What's the point?

For context, I'm from England and have been living in Israel since 2009. Got married in 2015. I have 2 sons ages 2 and 4. We are Orthodox Jews. I had a very complicated childhood. Mum is a psychotic narcissist and my father is a coward who never protected me from her abuse that was often sexual in nature. I was sent to boarding school when I was 9. Was falsely diagnosed with autism so that my mother could emotional manipulate me

I want to die because I want relief from my constant existential dread. Being a father is so hard. Being unable to hold a job is so depressing. Often have panic attacks. I'm always tired or angry. Constantly anxious about money. Parents don't understand me and will never own the damage that they caused. All the covid restrictions destroyed my mental health. In debt that'll take years to pay off. Wife is kind and supportive but I don't know if that will last if things don't get better. I often wish I could go on a rampage and be gunned down in a blaze of glory. I have suicidal thought while I play with my children. I take anti depressants and tranquillisers. Basically, I'm barely functioning. Unless things drastically improve soon, I will have no choice but to check out from society. If I had known in advance that at age 33 I'd still be a mess, I doubt I'd stick around. The ONLY reason I haven't killed myself by now is how much it would hurt my wife and children. I also believe that I'm here as a punishment for being evil in a previous life. I'm writing now because all I see in front of me is a life of trying and failing. I want to die because the pain from living is getting unbearable. I see no silver lining for me personally. Maybe my kids will be OK. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I say that's bull shit.

I'm in hell. Is there anyone out there who can relate?