Sometimes I feel like I'll disappear...

Love it! I love anything existential. It almost felt apocalyptic, like I was at the edge of the world all alone.

i really like how the point of view of the narrator shifts from perceiving the bird as an external thing, and then from an internal perspective as they meditate on death, you captured the aesthetic of melancholy surrounding death quite accurately considering how difficult it is to capture that aesthetic in words - the image that stuck out particularly strongly was "broken wings on aching limbs". and the isolation in "no one hears / no one came."

i also liked the rhyming, it all read melodically which made it easy to read and comprehend, there's no imagery which really introduces too much ambiguity, which means you are more likely to be closer to your reader with the meaning it produces. i cant really think of anything bad to say, aside from simple personal differences in taste, like i personally like difficult imagery and ambiguity, especially in contemplating things as incomprehensible as death - but that obviously has disadvantages. actually the only part that jutted out as something that might work better was a comma in this line like so: 'and with it, I do too.' or even a hyphen or semi-colon if you want a bigger pause, it'll kinda emphasise the personal significance of your own death i think.

In my head i pictured a crow, i like the symbology of black birds heralding or being associated with death, it has a sort of Norse or Celtic quality about it, which certainly appreciate as an Irishman. overall an interesting read, thanks for sharing, great first (shared) poem.

I really enjoyed this! I read it a few times to really get to the heart of what you were saying.

I enjoyed that the rhyming did not feel too forced, but it was still there to add to the lyrical quality of your words.

I see that the other commenter said they pictured a black bird, and I did too- I honestly think you should say that. Also, and maybe this is just me, since you saw this bird in your garden, maybe you could add a line to really bring the reader into your head. Like even “a flightless black bird in the garden, calls out my name” , something like that? Really set the scene so you can include all the abstract imagery you want, while putting the reader in the scene? Just good for thought.

In addition, and this is just picky on my part, if a line doesn’t start a new sentence, it shouldn’t have a capital letter. I learned this in a poetry class and now can’t unsee jt.

So it should be:

Sometimes I feel like I will disappear,

a snap in time will come.

A clock that tickets, the sand that sifts,

and with it I’m undone.

And another suggestion might to remove any unnecessary “and”s, to keep your flow going, tighten your lines to only absolutely necessary words.

Great job! I look forward to reading more.

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This is very good. I am satisfied thank you. I like it as is in every way.

To specifics, you've added in colorful adjectives everywhere you could while keeping cadence and syllabic count. For example: "Broken wings on aching limbs, a morbid sight to see." Three adjectives that paint the whole scene and feel of the scene. You didnt need to choose those particular words, but the scene and tone you set there would be difficult any other way. You dont keep the standard ABAB rhyming scheme. In fact the rhyme scheme is inconsistent throughout and it doesnt feel odd or off at all. Not keeping to a scheme has its own pitfalls youve avoided.

The standard of good honest feedback is there should be some changes. My critique is this is perfect or damn near. Now write another one, I like your style.

i really love the portrayal of depression/losing oneself. this poem is something i can relate to. the feeling of losing motivation to keep going, the exhaustion from the mental pain, it’s all so real. this shows how mental pain can turn into physical pain, in many ways. if this is written based on your personal experiences, i hope you don’t give up, don’t let your mental health win, even if it seems too hard to keep going. the part where you mentioned calling out for help but not being heard is also something i relate to. if you ever struggle to keep going and have no one there, you can reach out to me if you’d like. i have been through a lot and at times i had no one to talk to, so if i can be there for others it makes me feel good knowing that i can show people that they are important and that their emotions and thoughts matter. mental illnesses are often ignored or dismissed as nothing serious, but they are 100% serious and sometimes life threatening. your feelings are valid, and shouldn’t be ignored, and the fact that you are letting yourself feel them and acknowledging them makes you stronger than you may realize. thank you for sharing and i hope you are okay.🤍

I definitely got the sense that the bird was a Metaphor for you, I feel like there's a lot of description but I personally didn't feel any emotion to it. I like the we're fading out of view, it adds a nice group feeling of you and the bird. Pretty good though! I liked it.

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Hello:) I love the analogy of being the bird, and feeling the pain of losing flight. Although :)!! I think it might add some depth to make it seems like you, and the bird are less disconnected. As you relate to the bird I like you keep your feelings and actions the same, but maybe become the bird? I am a bit confused if the bird itself is relating to you, or you are entirely the bird and making that more clear might be fun! (Maybe I’m just not understanding) Nonetheless, I love this relativity, thank you for sharing :)!

I really like this poem because, from how I interpreted it, it kinda relates to something I’ve felt before where it feels like I see snapshots of myself changed/different or imagine life as something else in this biologically diverse world :)