Wow, I'm going to have to up the quality of my critiques. Thank you so much for taking to the time to give me this feedback. Looking back I absolutely needed it!

In hindsight, my writing has a filtering problem and it bogs down the pacing. Thank you for giving specifics, as I can go back and fix this problem through out the book. The whole chapter can be tightened, and I think I can really shave some fluff off the first few hundred words, and make that conflict scene much smoother and earlier. I completely agree with you, my writing needs to be snappier. 

I believe calling Fronz/the people in his order friars was a mistake. The Skoluese are an scholastic order that exists to advance human understanding and preserve knowledge. The members are castrated as they see sex as a huge distraction against academic pursuits: the men physically and the women are herbily. I'm probably going to have to invent a new word here, but I've been doing this with so many roles/people I'm afraid I might b

> As Fronz leaned in for another bite, he noticed a large chunk missing from one side of the mutton he didn’t remember biting. He scowled at it for a moment before looking up at the two soldiers.
>
> Kibul was wiping at the corner of his mouth, an amused expression on his face. The tips of his mustache had the slightest bit of grease on them. Fronz hadn't noticed it before as grease hardly seemed out of place on a face like that.
>
> “I’m sorry friar, I tried to stop him, but it happened so fast. Kibul can be quick when he wants to be.” Snoil said, shooting his companion a glare.

Here we can really dig into why this isn't working. This is a little gag, which I think could be funny, but it's weakened by your language. It doesn't feel snappy, it doesn't feel witty. You're slowing down the pace by using filtering like "he noticed," or "he hadn't noticed" "seemed out of place." Since your POV is already close 3rd person (i.e. we are in Fronz's head this whole time) you don't need to say t

**CHARACTER**

Fronz is a pompous friar who really likes cheese. He's also mildly cowardly? But he does really care about his books so that is a redeeming quality about him. He doesn't seem to have much of a goal here yet, like a deep internal goal, and that's okay. This reads to me like this will be the sort of story where an unassuming almost spoiled character is going to be thrust into adventure. Almost a Bilbo Baggins type. However, compared to a Bilbo Baggins, I find Fronz a bit less likeable. I'm not sure if you're going for a likeable MC, but, besides the books, I find him rather ungrateful and meek. I think it's the reference to his horse as "filthy," his general disdain for the Citadel and the people helping him and some other sort of whiny moments in his inner monologue that make me feel this way. I think you could either cut down on these or just add a few layers to him to make him a bit more empathetic if you want.

Something I always ask when building a character is about 

Hi there. Personally, I need something more in this to really get into it and enjoy it. More could mean a more interesting MC, or it could mean greater tension in each scene. It could mean a richer world or more snappy dialogue. There is no single answer to make this more interesting, so I will give you suggestions on each of these and you pick and choose which you think would give your story more bite. I don't think a story needs to check all of these boxes in the beginning for it to hold interest, I only think yours fails to really hit the mark on any of them for me. If you're able to hit one or two though really well, then I might say otherwise.

**PLOT & PACING**

*Plot* \- Fronz the Friar (are we going for alliteration here?) and Jinny the hinny (I guess we are going for something silly) plod along on their way to the Citadel. We learn that Fronz is bringing a cartful of books. He reaches the Citadel where he is met by two guards. Fronz's purpose is revealed: he and his monastery 

Thank you for taking the time to read and leave feedback!

You're right, Fronz does care more about getting his job done and getting home more than he cares about the books. 

Yes, Fronz was 'set up' to a degree, and it looks like it's causing some confusion with my readers. Some confusion is what I want, but I think I might have to rewrite this so the reader knows it's ok to be confused here. 

I think friar was a poor word to use to describe Fronz. It's causing a lot of confusion and setting up the wrong expectations, and I've been on the fence about it for a while. I'm thinking about using a new word, 'Kinzhur'. 

Others have also gievn feedback on my vague desriptions. I'll either have to cut them, or adds specifics.

**GENERAL REMARKS**

The story of a man protecting books depicting his history, culture, and religion from a crusade could hold a ton of weight and explore why history and culture matter. Unfortunately, I don’t believe that Fronz particularly cares about the books he worked so hard to transcribe. Yes, he protects them from the mud, but he has no qualm about leaving them behind with strangers. And because Fronz doesn’t care, I didn’t care.

**MECHANICS**

The title is interesting. If the story will deal with themes of wealth, gluttony, culture, and/or cleanliness, it’s perfect.

The writing style itself is bare bones. The sentences vary in length and structure; the tense stays consistent, and words don’t repeat making the piece easy to read. However, the pros lack characterization.

>He also learned that the robes of a friar were terrible for traveling hundreds of leagues across the Tharian Wastes.

What are the robes of friars like? What are the Tharian Wastes like? Why don’t they work

I agree, it is confusion when the first character mentioned is not the PoV. I'm going to rewrite a lot of this chapter, and that's something that's going to be changed. 

Yes, the passive voice is something that is going to have to be fixed when I go back and edit my filtering. Thank you for drawing attention to this. 

Yes, Jaleese should explain why she says Kibul and Snoil are 'some of the best'. The certainly don't look like it here. And I will go back and do a better job showing her nervous disorder. 

I'm not sure it I want Fronz to be all that likeable at this point. I'm trying to establish a character so I can torture him and make his miserable for a long time. Fronz is an over educated fellow who thinks he knows far more than he does, and I love having him jump to bad conclusions so I can make it blow up in his face. Watching Fronz squirm and fall on his ass is what the reader is supposed to enjoy, and I need to do a better job of this.

**Perspective**

This might sound nitpicky, but the first name/character mentioned in the chapter should be your perspective character. I know Jinny is a horse and obviously, that won't be your perspective character, but still. Why can't Fronz do something before Jinny is introduced?


**Active Voice**

I think you should get used to writing in active voice. It makes the story sound much better

> Equestrian animals and the great invention of the wheel were no match for mud, which Fronz learned the hard way.

Fronz learned the hard way that equestrian animals and the great invention of the wheel were no match for mud.

**Character Voice**

> The fact that she could kill him with one swift kick to the head didn’t help

I like this. It makes your character have some humor, and making me like your character

**Introspection**

Don't tell the readers what your character realizes, show it through internal thoughts

> It then occurred to Fronz that he was trying to talk to an animal. Fronz w

Wow, that’s so interesting! Hey, I’d be happy to read another chapter (or another part). I’m not sure if my advice helped very much. Or if it was entirely coherent. Lol. I wanted to at least point out where you did a fantastic job or pacing, and plot, and characterization, etc… But it’s about consensus from your audience to determine if something is good or not. And I think you’ve done a great job with it, so far.

Thank you for the feedback, it's nice to see you were able to see what I was trying to accomplish. The work needs to be tightened, and that goes for the rest of the novel as well.

Unless I am mistaken, I think you were the one who commented in the Google Docs file of part 1 of my Prologue. Thank you for this, you gave me a lot of good advice there. I owe you a critique!

On the title: Tallow of Man is supposed to reference to the relationship between the divine beings and humanity in this series. Tallow, being the rendered fat of an animal, is symbolic of exploitation. The divine beings see humans as humans tend see animals: living things that exist for their own ends. Each divine being is modeled after a different human perspective of animals; big game hunting, livestock, experimentation, companionship, show breeding, bestiality, spectator blood sport, and many many more. A few examples:

Valius, god of order, founder of the Crusade: Sees humanity as a farmer would. Those who are loy

**CHARACTER**

All the characters mentioned, including the other race of people, were Fronz, Kibul, Snoil, Friar Dougall, Jinny (very funny with the horse; can’t wait to see more of her), Jaleese, and the Valian.

Not only did they all have their own distinct personalities, but the way they interacted was believable and realistic.

**Kibul** (a stout, paranoid, old man; comic relief).

**Snoil** (lanky, and Kibul’s foil; to be seen).

**Jaleese** (Warrior)

…she is nobility. She doesn’t usually like to talk about it. She has a complicated relationship with her father and is much more proud about her status as a lieutenant. She had to earn that title.

**Fronz** (Main protagonist, it seems). We don't get a good description of him until three-fourths of the way through the first chapter, which is fine. Through actions and dialogue we get an idea of who the man is. But we learn something deeper when he is in the citadel eating his meal and interacting with Snoil and Kibul.

He didn’t know

**GENERAL REMARKS**

Man, feels like a finished piece, aside from the capital letters after dialogue. Part of me thinks this was purposefully incorrect so there would be SOMETHING to critique. lol.

**MECHANICS**

So for this section, I’ll just run through the main things I noticed:

Pretty funny title, considering “Tallow” and “mutton/cheese/fat.” It’s always a good idea to have your chapter title match the tone of the content within and humor is ALWAYS a good idea.

The adverbs you use are sparing, which is good. An example of this is when you describe the tunsweed.

And the sentence variation you used was excellent as well. Nothing dragged. It flowed well. And it was entertaining throughout.

Finally, the way you weaved the story throughout was nothing short of masterful. You began the story with a little setting, weaving character description and characterization throughout. So naturally, the plot unfolded, with its first hints coming in the sixth paragraph when you mention

Damn V

Thank you for your time, all feedback is appreciated!  Happy eviscerating!

&amp;#x200B;

[ToM, Fronz I](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PjDRtCPINkOyAICl2VLQjKmT-gszsMdm8h_ShSc7yNI/edit?usp=sharing)

Crit: [\[3021\] Starved Vines, part 1 (revised)](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/vpmctp/3021_starved_vines_part_1_revised/if66crw/?context=3)

[2721] Tallow of Man, Fronz I