7/7 Diner Coffee
She had eyes like
diner coffee
with an oily
rainbow skim
and I wonder if
she ever cried
cutting lines outside of
Bristol clubs
because London rains
reminded her
of him.
Posted Jul 8, 2022, 9:10 AM UTC · edited
196
The descriptiveness and structure of this poem is very unique! I enjoyed imagining what this woman looked like through your descriptions, and the specificity worked well with it. What I might add to this poem is punctuation because it feels more like a run-on sentence, and punctuation might help to separate and better coordinate certain ideas.
2
This poem prompts imagination. The woman and “him” are empty and can be filled in almost instinctively by any reader. The ending is strong and paints a picture of a beautiful woman who can cut lines into clubs. I think the beginning is original, maybe more of a sense of her aura and behavior after the link between her eye color and the coffee.
2
Woah. Loved that first line! eyes like diner coffee is awesome imagery and a great way to describe someone's dark brown/black eyes hahah. I also like the ending because the first part of the poem feels like the writer is reminiscing about someone and then that reminiscing is taken further when the writer wonders if the person also thinks of them. It's a way to magnify that sadness as it shows how the narrator is hoping that she is also thinking of him. I really like this poem and think it does a pretty good job of capturing what the writer is feeling. So yeah, great imagery haha and I like how you convey this sad feeling! Keep writing : )
2
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1
Hey! Thank you for sharing! I love the cadence of the first six lines. The disjointed sentence forced me to slow down and it feels pursposefuly wistful. The only thing that threw me off was the next line "cutting lines outside of" it breaks the cadence for me, and doesn't fit the feeling of the rest of the poem. My suggestion would be to break the next couple of lines up more. The end I really like. Reminded her...of him. You returned to the cadence/disjointed which I felt was an alluring part of the poem. Anyways thank you for sharing, its not easy putting yourself out there.
Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad that the wistfulness came through. My intention with the "cutting lines" bit was a double entendre with skipping lines b/c of attractiveness but also cocaine use. I'm going to try to rework it/break it up a little more and see if it flows. Really appreciate it.