Her hair glides like a waning sunset,
strawberry gold gleams;
Emerald eyes fading from sight,
our adventure ending.
Days end through natural fate,
comfort dawns, new hope.
Feedback provided:
Posted Jul 8, 2022, 5:50 PM UTC
It's been a nice surprise to read a Sijo in this sub. The imagery is soft and beautiful, fittingly for a Sijo. I just think that fourth and fifth lines can be modified a bit as they are a bit distracting from the soothing tone of the poem.
Thank you! It's about a girlfriend that broke up with me, so I tried to use imagery to her departing. But I also can try revising it to sound nicer.
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