When I look within my window
it is all but colour and clear
I wake up to where I once began,
As I fail to get out here
a lone broken man,
with no future and no plan
bares one last final dream
Which slips softly through his hand
He sits and he grieves
To my younger me
For whom one with destine to be
I can no longer hide,
the emptiness inside
from failing my only friend.
Posted Jul 9, 2022, 11:42 AM UTC · edited
you did not fail yourself! you just did not know who you were going to be. This is a beautiful poem, thank you for sharing.
Hit hard, but I refuse to believe you failed your younger self. Who we are now, is not who we will be later sometimes. There's still a ways to go :)
you may wish to consider a title to illumine the meaning of your poem
your masculine rhymes are all fine and the disordered pattern works quite well given the subject matter of the poem. the ideas of despair, dissatisfaction and dismay are conveyed clearly but could maybe be elevated with some figurative language to add more expression. For example, you could expand on the rather vague "get out here" to capture more vividly the relationship that the speaker has with their setting: is this an emotional (unable to change/grow/learn/move one) or physical (stuck in the same village/house/country/job) sense of entrapment? If both, how can this be conveyed in a complex way?
Your final line about failing your only friend might like to be rephrased to make it more intuitive that the speaker is referring to themself.
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