Great feedback--very practical and usable, thank you. You're absolutely right about the second stanza, I'll probably nix that entirely and build s3 and s4 up from scratch (or delete or combine, we'll see). I like your suggestion about the ending as well. Much appreciated.

This piece was a roller coaster in that I either loved the lines or I hated them. "a bird \*can\* be beautiful/but I'm trying to sleep" was a great opening that effectively put us in the moment while establishing the poem's vibe. But then "not the sleep of death/but the regular kind" seemed too explanatory. It was an exposition that was not needed. I think to go from "but I'm trying to sleep//" to "the kind so unlike death/" would be a more visceral transition and wouldn't talk down so much to the reader. 

I didn't like "with sleep's so-manying" and "it's alike perhaps only/in dreams' so-ending". Not just because I didn't understand them technically, but the hyphenated words (phrases?) felt and sounded forced. I think a more tangible description of sleep of life vs sleep of death would be more effective. Especially with the style of the first line, pulling something from outside inward and having it effect the speaker (a chirping bird keeping them awake). The concept of dreams and how

Appreciate this comment. The italicized "can" was meant to communicate a bit of exasperation--like sure, you're beautiful, but I wish you'd shut up so I can sleep. Buuut it'll probably work just as well without. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

This is beautiful. I can see the poet taking in their surroundings, internalizing them, and coming to that final heavy conclusion at the end. I feel like I was getting the opportunity to watch and hear someone else process something. I would say leave can in the first stanza unitalicized because I don't understand why it is and nothing else in the poem is. But if you're personally connected to it who am I to stop you? Great work. :)

Ha, it's pretty far outside my usual style, I think. I knew what you meant. Three and four are kinda linked in such a way that I'd have to change one if I changed the other anyhow.

Oh hey Red, didn't realise this was your poem actually! Always good to see you on here. As note I meant the third stanza not fourth, just a typo. May have been obvious from the text anyway.

Thanks for the comment. Looks like I'm 0 for 2 on the fourth stanza, so this is probably a "kill your darlings" moment. It was meant to a engender a sort of lack of eloquence on the part of the speaker, an unwillingness to be delicate, demonstrated by a butchery of language. But it looks like it wound up just being annoying and distracting. I'll have another go at it

Really like this and the formatting. Three things seems to be thematic: sleep (or lack of), romantic longing and birds. The column of kisses was a nice alteration that ties brilliantly with the reoccurring bird symbolism in the form of some great imagery (Jays sitting on a wire). The meaning of the poem runs right through. The fifth stanza reveals how dreams end (one of two ways), connecting to the bird waking the speaker up and hinting at a connection. Its neatly concluded with how the bird is then associated with how you miss the "partner" of the speaker. Great!

My only criticism is, the fourth stanza: 

I have a problem with the second line: "with sleep's so-manying". Its just an odd piece of language which requires the reader to decipher it. I want to understand but honestly am drawing a total blank. If I were to guess: multiple dreams? But why is the possessive form of sleep used here (i.e. sleep's)? So-manying didn't link to the next stanza either, to my mind. For me as a reader

Oh my god thank you for this, this is so cool!


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I love the duality. It made me feel alive. It made me feel that it’s okay. I truly connect with the word “inevitable” the word puts everything into perspective. This poem showed me and helped me question what I desire. The regular kind of sleep for which my dreams manifest realities infinite, or the permanent sleep I often ponder. The duality of life is greatly captured in this piece. Thank you for this moment.

I like it.  Last two lines hit me in the heart.  I have no criticism.  I like it as it is.

this is incredible. i’m so in love with the imagery and i imagine these words scrawled on a notebook in the middle of the night. i hope you can find sleep soon.

Your imagery is beautiful. It takes me many places so I can feel (instead of being told) the emotions of missing someone while trying to sleep. And I love how you encapsulated it all in between your beginning and ending lines so neatly.

Dear Poet,     

Why do you begin with a non sequitur? Why are your first two couplets using diacope , do you believe it creates a sense of connection and mobility between the discrete units of the poem? The most repeated image in the poem are birds, do they symbolize something discernible or are they rather personal to the beloved? One of the bird types , jays, plays a role in a simile, "a row of mouths run through a column of kisses struck down **like** jays sitting on a wire" however does struck down make sense with idea of a bird on a wire? Was "a row of mouths ... down " meant to be comprehensible? Was this poem a pastiche? Did you intend for how the word usage shifts in three ways from couplets 1-4, to 5-7, and finally the rhetorically straightforward 8-9.

a bird *can* be beautiful  
&amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; but I'm trying to sleep  
&amp;nbsp;  
not the sleep of death  
&amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; but the regular kind  
&amp;nbsp;  
the kind so unlike death  
&amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; with sleep's so-manying  
&amp;nbsp;  
it's alike perhaps only  
&amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; in dreams' so-ending  
&amp;nbsp;  
either one inevitable  
&amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; like a ring or an ex  
&amp;nbsp;  
a row of mouths run through  
&amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; a column of kisses struck down  
&amp;nbsp;  
like jays sitting on a wire  
&amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; or robins falling from a nest  
&amp;nbsp;  
and all I really want   
&amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; is everything    
&amp;nbsp;  
to stop screaming   
&amp;nbsp; &amp;nbsp; all the ways I miss you.  
&amp;nbsp;  
***  
&amp;nbsp;  
[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vtyas3/comment/ifdueo7/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3) | [2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vty781/comment/ifdwc4c/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

Sleepless