strictly speaking, the poem can't be considered an ode, as an ode is a lyric poem (i.e. it has a regular rhyme scheme and meter), while your work is a free verse poem

you could make better use of enjambment for either an emphatic or playful effect, or to better manage your pacing. You do this well with "violet-haired and moonlit", for example, but some lines could benefit from being broken up to avoid being bloated. Your L5 (how this sacrilege... chest) has so much information in the line that the swarm of bees doesn't quite get the focus that it deserves. You might want to consider also swapping out your simile for a metaphor or even the less-used metonym for a more potent comparison. 

L11's "and i've never read a story where two girls get a happy ending" is too explicit (i.e. too literal); you would do better to find a less direct way to convey that both speaker and object are female without saying it quite so bluntly. You might need an extra line or two to get there, which is fine

This is amazing, I love the excited and hopeful tone of this poem. It really makes you root for the girls in love :) 

I also liked both your use of opposition of religious teaching to sapphic love ("how can something so beautiful be blasphemy?") and your linking of the two ("how every piece of her feels like newfound scripture", "hold hands in the most sacred spaces, i promise"). To me it's like the girl is still clinging to what she was taught while also discovering love outside of it.

The only thing to me was the last line of stanza 3 dropping off with a comma, it felt a little weird to read. I feel like "more than your holy books" is a powerful statement deserving of a period.

Other than that really cute poem!

Your poem is about forbidden love, and how even though it may be condemned by society or religion, it can still be beautiful. You compare this love to "cradling a swarm of bees in my chest" - meaning it's both dangerous and exhilarating. You also mention how most stories with two girls as the main characters don't have happy endings, but you trust this relationship more than any story. In the end, you promise that when things get better, you'll exchange "closets for cathedrals" - meaning you'll be able to openly express your love for each other (I think?), also following the theme of religion or tradition.

I like how you use imagery to describe the feeling of being in a forbidden relationship. The analogy of the bees is particularly effective in conveying how exciting and dangerous this love is. I also like how you ended on a hopeful note, despite the obstacles that you know are ahead. I wish I could write like this lol.

The best love seems so forbidden but feels so good. I lost a love to the religion Islam . Idk what I feel like since we love eachother we could make it work but she couldn’t love me without feeling guilty. I’ve been waiting every day since nice then for her to slip up and love me freely

It's rich territory, for sure, especially if you want to get into a Sapphic subversion of it. I only remember it because of my Baptist childhood (now an agnostic), where we were told the story of Samson harvesting the honey from the corpse of the lion he'd slain.


This is the intro to the wiki entry, classified as "Samson's Riddle":


"Samson's riddle is found in the biblical Book of Judges, where it is incorporated into a larger narrative about Samson, the last of the judges of the ancient Israelites. The riddle, with which Samson challenges his thirty wedding guests, is as follows: "Out of the eater came something to eat, and out of the strong came something sweet."


The solution is apparently impossible to discern through deduction alone, since it is based on a private experience of Samson's, who had previously killed a young male lion and found honeybees and honey in its corpse. However, the wedding guests extort the answer from Samson's wife; having lost the wager, Samson is req

thank you for your critique! 

sorry if this is a dumb question, but im curious: what gives allusions to samson? because that wasnt something i did intentionally

I get some of the Samson allusions, though bringing in a lion carcass would have added to the potency. 

If you’re going to bring biblical imagery into passion, consider the language of its sacrilege. Things like “dishonorable” don’t really fit the full weight of the absolute deletion of human desire that Abrahamic religions go for, nor how beauty is in fact one of the fundamental aspects of their Lucifer boogeyman/being. 

When every piece of someone is scripture… write that scripture. Give it to us here. 

I enjoyed this, but I think the speaker can carry this further.


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when god called this dishonorable   
he didn't take into account the way a girl looks when  
violet-haired and moonlit,   
how every piece of her feels like newfound scripture.

how this sacrilege is like cradling a swarm of bees in my chest;   
anxious but so alive, honey-smiling,   
sweetness flowing down my throat so warm   
that i want to call it a warning.   
how can something so beautiful be blasphemy? 

we both heard that love like this can only end in hellfire   
and i've never read a story where two girls get a happy ending  
but i trust the silent vow between her every breath   
more than your holy books, 

“*when things get better we’ll exchange these closets for cathedrals,*  
*hold hands in the most sacred spaces, i promise.”* 

[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vw5tx9/romance_of_nature/)

[2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vuj4en/the_most_powerful/)

(i have no clue if this can be considered an ode, i just couldn't think of a title haha)

ode to forbidden fruit