Hey, thanks for the feedback. So, were some exposition points that caused the piece to drag? Was it over described? Word usage? You said punctuation. Can you give me some more examples so I know what to be on the lookout for? I appreciate it.

General thoughts on first read through:  
  
POV issues and punctuation detracted significantly from the overall story. I believe the general rule of thumb with POV is one per scene. In the presented material, the POV switches between brother and sister often.  
  
 ““Yeah-Alright. We could all use some R&R anyway. Especially after what happened on Waypoint.” Scott regretted saying that when he saw the dejection on his sister’s face. “Shit, I’m sorry, Cat. I-I didn’t mean anything by it.”  
Catch didn’t take offense because of what her brother said–he said a lot of stupid things. But the memory of what happened made her angry. It drove her. She may have stopped the Trinity crime syndicate on Waypoint, but she still failed.”  
  
This needs to focus on either Scott or Cat. For example, Cat can notice the look of regret on Scott’s face and the following paragraph with Cat not taking offense can be kept, otherwise it needs to be cleaned up. I’m guilty of this pretty frequently, but

Not really. It means the character portion of my post is a lot messier than I thought to be honest. I'm guessing Catch is the driver of Athena? But Catch was only namedropped on the fourth paragraph. In 3rd person limited, you want to drop the name of your main character as soon as possible to avoid this kind of confusion. and like i said, mention their name over and over. But you mention Ignus, Athena, and Morokweng before even mentioning Catch. 

The reason I confused Athena as the main character rather than Catch, aside from the fact that Athena was the first name dropped, is because your paragraphs sound like Athena was the one doing the actions. 

> Athena pocketed her hand into the cliff and she pulled herself onto a ledge

If Athena is not a person, how could she pocket her hand and pull herself onto a ledge? 

Not to mention you kept using she and vague references instead of Catch's name. In the first twenty paragraphs, Catch's name was mentioned four times and Athena's name wa

So, does knowing Athena is a V.I. Change anything?

What were some of the things I said she was going to do that spoiled the story for you?

2/2


** Tone **

First few paragraphs give a mecha/dystopian vibe. Or rather I should say, the author told me so. I didn't really feel it in the first few paragraphs. I mean if the author removed the terms "assault mech" and "dying volcanoes", would I know it's mecha/dystopian? No. What I felt was a lot of unnecessary worldbuilding and info dumps that I didn't really need. The author also *tries* to build suspense by hinting at events but hiding information from the reader. 

** Conflict **

What exactly is the conflict in the first few paragraphs? Nothing. The main character just has some internal thoughts about the AI/VI and is tired of a notification. But we have no insight on the character's character or what the notification is, so how can we feel any conflict in the story? To have conflict, we must first know the character and what's at stake for them. If we know the stakes, then we have conflict. It's not about hiding information from the readers.

** Direct Internal Thoughts *

(1/2)
** Repetitive Words **

I don't usually critique on this, but when you use "when" twice in one paragraph and right after one another, I can't help but point it out.

> When the metronome... When she did

You may ask why am I being nitpicky about this. Well, I'll ask you why you felt you needed to write "when". Let's look at the sentence if "when" was deleted.

> The metronome on Athena’s HUD pinged a pitch higher, and the Pioneer inside gave an exasperated sigh, Another useless diagnostic, and flicked away the information that appeared. The image of the crater floor became clear: a lake of gray matter surrounded by charred grasslands and crooked trees.

Did the meaning of the sentence change? Not really. So why add such an unnecessary word unless you want to pad the word count? I know you probably weren't. It's just easier for us writers to envision the sequence if we use when. But remember to delete them in editing before asking for feedback unless you want your feedbacks to be 

Ok so yep just realized you literally wrote that VI is Virtual Intelligence. lol.

This comment had to be approved because Reddit flagged it (most likely the link and account age/karma). It should now be seen.

Oh yeah I actually didn't catch (LOL) before checking other comments that Athena wasn't the main character, which is why I didn't mention it. And thanks so much! I'd so appreciate the critique, once I find something I'm confident enough to post here lmao

Wow, you really like it?! That’s awesome. Yeah, I think these other commenters have a point too though. Catch is the main character, so I need her first because I guess people are confused with Athena being a giant humanoid robot. That’s kind of my bad. I owe you a critique so I’d be happy to check out some of your stuff.

Also, that is so funny! I already use the color thing myself. I don’t use that one, but I google things until I find the right one.

This is my first critique so lmk if anything’s unclear  
**Pacing/flow**  
It's a lot of Athena looking around and thinking about worldbuilding/exposition for the first couple pages. I was kinda waiting for some more character interaction and dialogue to be naturally spliced in between that, the way it was on page 3.  
I think the pacing gets more natural as the chapter progresses—the last page flows a lot smoother than the first, in terms of varying length of sentences, and the splicing together of description, dialogue, and action. 

In the first exploring scene, the sentences have similar lengths for the most part. But in a later scene, when you transition from Scott thinking about prostitutes to parkouring into the water, the feeling of relaxation-to-action is reflected in how the sentences change from casual and snappy to drawn-out and action-packed (but with commas to give it rhythm).

  
**Descriptions**  
For the most part, I liked the vivid descriptions. But I think I have to 

>As far as world building killing the story. Did you mean what I described in the environment or did you mean things like “V.I.”, “HUD”, “Pioneer”? Stuff like that? (I didn’t use any words/ideas besides “Guardian” that don’t already exist. But maybe that was lost in translation and I should use describe them instead.

Yes, the sci-fi terms are fine, but the need to come after or be weaved in with the character development. Otherwise they don't mean anything to most readers. 

Let me give you an anecdote. My father never liked Sci-Fi or Fantasy. He thought Star Wars and Star Trek were campy and Lord of the Rings long winded. HBO's Game of Thrones though he loved. GoT had excellent character design, and that engaged my dad. Since the world mattered to the characters my dad cared about, it mattered to him too. This is the only time I've seen him enjoy a sci-fi/fantasy setting and actually get excited about the world building. 

Characters anchor the audience to our worlds. Worldbuilding w

Awesome critique. Yeah, I completely agree with you on having Catch first and THEN introduce Athena a little later. I wasn’t a fan of Catch in this revision either because she’s mopey. But kind of has to be because of what happened at the end of the the first book. But we both agree, she still needs to be endearing. Maybe show a flash of who she really is and then come back to her reality or something.

So, I was really going for a “Hey, guys. We all know this is a Sci-Fi-Fantasy book. Let’s not take ourselves too seriously.” That’s why it was full of jokes that I guess didn’t land. Im glad you picked up on the Morton joke though. Lol

As far as world building killing the story. Did you mean what I described in the environment or did you mean things like “V.I.”, “HUD”, “Pioneer”? Stuff like that? (I didn’t use any words/ideas besides “Guardian” that don’t already exist. But maybe that was lost in translation and I should use describe them instead.

I tried to use the staging and the en

POV  
  
Both PoVs aren’t nice people, and that's perfectly fine. However, when PoV’s aren’t sympathetic, generally other parts of the writing have to make up the difference for the audience to care. Descriptions, humor, plot, prose, etc. have to be excellent if the PoV is not likable. Catch has some redeeming qualities, but as far as we’ve seen, Scott doesn’t. If Scott is going to be a PoV here for a significant length of time and continue to be unlikable, readers are going to have to be engaged in other ways.   
  
My favorite author Joe Abercrombie did a pretty good job of making unlikable characters engaging by getting the audience to root for bad things to happen to them. I loved watching Jezal dan Luther, and characters like him, getting knocked down a peg. It was also interesting watching them become better people, or at least trying. Unless he killed them off, of course.   
  
DIALOGUE  
  
The dialogue between Catch and Scott was the best, but it wasn’t the best banter

General Remarks  
Reading the beginning was difficult. There were a lot of sci-fi terms, Athena, the mech, was the first name used, and by the time the PoV Catch McCallister’s name was used my eyes had glazed over. It wasn't until my second reading that I was able to follow what was happening in the beginning. However, once I got to the second page, where Catch is reflecting on how her father was able to get her guardian back after her court martial, I was able to get engaged into the story and follow it. The second time I read it, it was significantly better. This tells me it needs some cleaning up.   
  
MECHANICS  
  
I feel like some of your similes are distracting. You seem to use them a lot, but these two I think were the worst.

>When something like a shoot sprouted from the rock, she studied it like a child looking through a magnifying glass.

This sentence has two similes in it. I also agree with the feedback of another commenter, you should cut out most of those 'when

Yeah, I wasn’t sure if this would happen or not. Appreciate it.

Careful next you delete and repost before 48 hours. I'll slide this time because you didn't get that much feedback, but the mods here could squash the submission and force both new critiques. This post was approved.

Hey Ever'body,

So, this first chapter is supposed to feel post-apocalyptic. Any and all critiques are welcome. I'm mainly focused on three things: Does the pacing pull you through the chapter? Is it fun to read? And are there any parts that are confusing? (Along with anything else you'd like to add.)

Thank you in advance,

For the readers: [A Phantom Signal (Part 1)](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AqbyylSUXuoylYi0hNBz96a6h4d4evF3xh7FM0LHn9k/edit?usp=sharing)

And for the mods: [\[2721\] Tallow of Man, Fronz I](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/vtepcg/comment/ifk3z7f/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[2533] A Phantom Signal (Part 1)