Source
r/OCPoetry•
NigelTMooseballs

Golden Hour

Workshop

Last light on the railway bridge;
our shadows, tall across the planks.

You snap a photo of the hillside,
and I ask, what's the point of taking it?
You'd see the clouds, and the crows
over the cornfields nearby, scattered

like ash flakes over a fire ---
but they'd be frozen in place, stuck flies
in amber. Film it then, you say.
No good. The sun, burning my right cheek,

my left, cold in the shade. You could paint it
with a lemon glaze, blot the shadows in
with ultramarine, but you wouldn't feel it.
You wouldn't hear the way the wind

stumbles into the pink cavern of my ear,
like the sea does in your cupped hand
when you hold it there. The pulse
of a train approaching. Static in the air

above the rails. Your finger on my lips,
the way your hair smells,
the taste of almonds. That gold
in the hollow
just above your collarbone.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vze9z8/stone_ocean/igbdjrm

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vz3kz1/tomorrow_king/igbeuj1

Posted Jul 15, 2022, 9:34 PM UTC

2512
Fragrant_Airline_562•

lovely :) i love the way this poem flows so naturally and the beautiful visuals are so incredibly human. a memory is a memory and while a photograph lasts forever, a moment will only ever be exactly that—a moment.

3
TwoGroundbreaking282•

I really like this one, though the things I like about it are the same things it questions, when asking the purpose of the photo, I believe. For me, memories tend to get tied to outside stimulus, such as smells, sounds/music, and occasionally more visual things. Sometimes, I can look back at a picture and remember it like I was still there, all of those miniscule details suddenly fresh in my mind. Sometimes, it's a moment that's hidden out of sight in the back of my mind so long, that it may never have come forward again if it weren't for that little reminder, so, while a picture may just be like mosquitos frozen in amber, they can also act as a bridge through time, leading us back to moments that would be lost otherwise.

2
nowreefill•

I enjoyed the gentleness of the wording and the thoughts. When I thought of pictures and videos and what is left out, it to me is so often still in the visual experience - the experience of looking at one thing, and then another, and then turning and looking at another - it just seems different in real like than looking at a screen, no matter how large. The one thing I thought might be changed - it's hard not to notice you are on a railway bridge and a train is coming. If you mentioned the train was miles away that might help - otherwise I can't think that there is a bit anxiety about making sure you get to the other side of the bridge before the train comes (well, maybe there is more room off to the side - my image of railway bridges may not be accurate). I don't think you want that anxiety poking into this moment, unless you do. Anyway, nice, gentle, beautiful words and sounds and images.

2
NigelTMooseballsOP•

Thank you, the idea was that the train passes under the railway bridge on which the speaker and subject are standing :) I see what you mean though, I did not clarify what type of bridge it was. I'm OK with the anxiety

1
iliacbaby•

One of the more vulnerable pieces I've read from you and I like it. Have you considered this construction for the last stanza?

above the rails. Your finger on my lips,
the way your hair smells,
the taste of almonds. That gold
in the hollow just above
your collarbone.

reading it back just now, I think yours is better probably. You are incredibly talented and prolific. "Pink cavern of my ear" grosses me out a little bit. Maybe delete "flakes" in the third stanza. Small tweaks.

2
NigelTMooseballsOP•

Ooo I have tweaked this stanza actually thank-you. I get really finicky about how many lines per stanza hahaha.

2
whatsinthereanyways•

quality comment.

dig the revision to the first two lines; prefer the original version of the last three.

1
transtromermisnomer•

Hi Nigel,

This one a wink too long to rev up (to my ear),but really hits its stride in stanza 3. Close to publishable IMO—the pink cavern is a really satisfying leap.

2
whatsinthereanyways•

good stuff. takes ya to the moment well; rings a few related bells. nicely done

2
Happenchancess•

I was reading another users comment about how the picture can’t transport you back to that moment you took it, but it can help you remember the details you so eloquently captured. I loved this poem. I could feel myself making a memory of your own memory. Just the act of reading it felt like taking the time to capture a feeling with the clumsy tools of film, paint or worlds.

2
Account040•

i love the imagery of a the energy of a train approaching! awesome poem :)

the only phrase that IMO falls flat is "but you wouldn't feel it"; considering the beautiful language of the rest of the poem, this phrase seems uncharacteristically simple

2
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1