Source
r/OCPoetry•
sophrosyne_dream

Taken Care Of

Poem
    A wildflower bouquet of mine
    is withering and almost gone.
    I’ve neglected them for another
    reality, not of this one.
    When I was still awake, and
    really here,
    eyes hungry –
    I saw their colour
    bright white of heady hydrangeas
    (I bathed my face in them)
    I smelled their fragrance
    deep, sweet musk of firework petals
    (I brushed my nose with them)
    I felt their patterned structure
    touched the pretty lace of delicate meadows
    (I ran my fingers slowly through them)
    Now they are all but gone
    wilted and lifeless
    still asking for breath
    but disappearing each second.
    Their memory though, stays with me
    and I long for another return,
    if not ever the same flowers
    then perhaps cut from the same Earth.

~ Sophrosyne_Dream

Feedback:

  1. Spit It Out

  2. Simple Pleasure

Posted Jul 19, 2022, 2:31 AM UTC

35
that-subliminal-kid•

Ooh the way you interleave the living flowers with the dead ones, really captures the feel of a bittersweet memory. The parenthetical asides are really cool too, totally brings you in!

3
No-School-8982•

Bravo. A sense of longing. Of loss. Something which can only be felt if we fully immerse ourself. I liked the usage of "bathed". The undertones pointing to the loss of Innocence (white hydrangeas)-maybe something I imagined-was great!

3
[deleted]•

Loudly indented. Parenthetic pragmatographic parallelism. I question whether the 'neglected for another reality' bit should be included, taking some narrative focus off the bouquet.

wilted and lifeless
still asking for breath
disappearing each second.

This is splendid.

2
flumppppp•

I thought this was beautiful, to me it has a sense of melancholic longing for a lover left behind, them being the "bouquet" which is why I would have to disagree with the other commenter, I think the "neglected for another reality" line is important for the meaning I have understood, which is that you chose another path and left them behind. Reminiscing the time spent together "I brush my nose with them, I ran my fingers slowly through them". Now realising that they are "gone" and "wilted" in realising the mistake, wishing to have them back. I like the last line "if not the same flowers perhaps cut from the same earth", leaving it on the hope that although you can't get back what you once had with this person, you hope that you can start anew with them. I think you do a great job here of showing not telling, it's very immersive and I can almost smell/feel/touch it. I also thought the choice of title was perfect, very well done

2
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