I appreciate the feedback! A lot of these feelings are rooted in my early twenties so I'm glad that came through.

I really, really love the economy of words used here. It creates a very unique voice, like Hemingway or bukowski, so masculine and stoic. It makes me feel like the kid I was at 22, wrapped up in myself, looking out at the world as if I wasn’t even in it. Angry, threadbare, but my feet itching for adventure. Then the end reminded me how many things I let fall by the wayside in my own arrogance. Thanks for sharing.

Wow thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! 

I think I agree with you about the 'glasses' line. I'll play around with removing or replacing it with something more fitting. 

The parenthesis are meant to act as an 'aside' to the poem. Sort of like offering a quick backstory for the rest of the piece. I don't know if it comes off that way, though. The spacing got a little screwy when I posted it as well. Thank you for the feedback! Very useful critique.

I love this piece. I would echo the previous comment in likening it to Bukowski's style in its brashness and candor. I love especially the line Clouds must’ve slipped out of my mouth...this is a striking image and one I somehow understand despite its paradoxical nature. I would love to know why you put the third stanza in parentheses?

Another thing I enjoyed is the specificity of the references - despite not knowing or being able to picture these places I find your inclusion of them really grounds the poem and makes it feel tied to your tangible reality, making it therefore more relatable despite its esotericism. The only line i think you could rework is "didnt need the glasses"- it just feels literal and less provoking than the rest of your rich metaphors. Thank you for sharing and I would love to read more of your work!


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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Storms comin.

Saw it long ago,

Made wild by new wind. 

&amp;#x200B;

Thought it might

Roll past,

Head to Florida.

(Where a quarter-inch sliver of my spirit still sticks out a crack in the sidewalk

A river Styx in Lantana

Recycled beer cans and condoms

Buy a Greyhound to Atlanta

The grass is never greener

And a cycle begins)

&amp;#x200B;

Clouds must’ve slipped out of my mouth

Last month,

Spent all that time singing and moaning.

&amp;#x200B;

Never stopped to think about the rain trying to leak out,

Wet my floors and make mold

In my bedroom

\--------------

EDIT: Replaced a line in the first stanza after generalgrievance14's suggestion 

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/w2wn9o/comment/igsuv23/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/w2wn9o/comment/igsuv23/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/w2wx9f/comment/igst6nh/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/w2wx9f/comment/igst6nh/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

Weather Balloons