plane crash
mayday mayday mayday
seatbelt is jammed
while parachute is bursting with excitement
mayday mayday mayday
broken engine and broken bones
maybes the ground will knock some sense into me
Posted Jul 22, 2022, 11:26 PM UTC
1213
I really like this! I like short and simple poems, and this one fits the bill.
What I like :)
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I like the line "The parachute is bursting with excitement" it adds an image inside one's head
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I love the line "Maybe(s) the ground will knock some sense into me.." it seems to add a funny touch to a sudden sense of dread.
Criticism :(
× Of course capitals and stuff but ehhh..
× Just stuff spelled incorrectly, if it was intentional I'm sorry.
I'm terrible at giving Criticism, so I'm sorry :(
Have a great day!
3
thank you, the mistakes where not intentional sadly I will get around to fixing them when I get the chance
2
That's alright, I've made mistakes in my poems too. It's still a nice poem, Have a great day
2
I like the poem, but I think the word choices does not allow me to be swept away with amazement. I think words like "bursting" and " broken" are too on the nose when it comes to things being crashed. But the word that throws me off is "excitement." This might be a little nit-picky of me, but "excitement" does not belong in this poem because the poem is thrown off a little. Imagery could have been better, especially regarding a "plane crash." I think the poem needs punctuation because it felt like it ran along a bit. I think editing the poem will make your poem much better.
2
thank you I definitely agree with your points on vocabulary
1
No problem, and feel free to read my poem and give any critique you feel.
1
To me, your poem captures a lot of emotional distress. There is an obvious sense of urgency and clear consequence if action isn’t taken.
“Seatbelt is jammed while parachute is bursting with excitement”
It sounds like actions are being taken out of desperation, perhaps at the wrong time, only exacerbating the situation.
The last line tells me that maybe the situation will resolve itself, and the worst outcome might be the easiest as it will at least give you salvation.
My one criticism: I agree with others, perhaps “excitement” isn’t the best word based on my interpretation, but it does get the point across.
Overall, I liked the concise format. No words were wasted. And if this poem was meant to capture your emotional state, I hope you’re keeping well. It feels like a lot to handle.
2
When I read this, I think of chaos, you did this well. I also like how you left the ending a bit vague. You say "Maybe the ground will knock some sense into me" This leaves me feeling like you may not be talking about a plane crash at all, but maybe an abusive relationship--as "knock some sense into me" implies the passenger lives, whereas the natural thought of passengers on a plane crash is death.
2
Poignant metaphor. You have talent, my friend. Nurture it, feed it, grow it, protect it, maintain it, but most of all - use it! And share it 🙂
2
There are a lot of mistakes but I'll keep that aside and talk about the poem.
I don't know what to feel when I read this piece, but the feeling of chaos is strong. The first line is so straightforward, that without reading the title you know what's going on. The jammed seatbelt, parachute, broken parts of you and the plane add to the tension and finally, you leave us with a lingering dreadful feeling. Good work
2
I think the parachute line could be better, by better invoking what imagery you are looking for, is it failing or is it working, bursting is a bit ambiguous/generic but it can still work well.
The broken engine line is a bit generic and feels blasé, perhaps a more interesting description of cause (engine) and effect (broken bones) can be used.
Lastly, I really like the last line. Very sharp as well as witty. Though tonally I think the almost dry and whimsical edge could be better portrayed in the rest of the poem.
2
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1
"mayday mayday mayday"
This is very clear cut and concise. It doesn't waste time and that feels important given the subject matter. I like the idea of the work, maybe in the end some clarity can be found, I really enjoy the subject matter too. Its high risk, there's a sense of urgency and anxiety, but also a feeling of calmness towards the end.
The only thing I'd say could help would be some full stops here and there, even if at just the end, the finality of a period is understated a lot of the time, but even the free flowing-ness of the work lends itself to the free fall idea. Great work, I liked it a lot!