Firstly can I say, please don't use the first line as a caveat. You've taken the reader away from the poem before they've started to read. Let the poem breath and give it more confidence. Put it as a note at the end if you have to.

The poem: 

I think this is well written, visceral imagery and moves from the first four lines of the "I" of the poem linking to the lines 5-9 of the she. I enjoyed the line "A bell chimes in combinations of utter beauty,"

However, the last three lines a completely pointless to me and don't add anything. It seems like an afterthought that has been cellotaped on. Another thing was the "cessation of sin" is quite cliche, I'll give it a grumbling pass as the title is "pageboy" and it has that church like quality. But if it was mine I'd reconsider "cessation of sin". Some line breaks also seem unnecessary like from line 3 to line 4. I think the caesura will give it enough of a pause, I don't think a line break is needed, same for lines 8 & 9. Overall, there ar


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This is evoking strong feelings for me for some reason. I can't honestly say that it makes much sense to me but it still manages to pull at the heart. 

I think it's great that you write during breakdowns honestly, the emotions are most raw and poignant at that point and that really comes through in your writing. 

Did you edit it after or did you just post it the way it is?

Does this even make sense lmao? I usually write while having mental breakdowns so

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

Today my soul is reborn,

The border between winter and spring,

The cessation of my sins,

A breeze of relief,

I shan’t need anymore to leech my organs,

For she is dripping in oxygen of the semblance,

Pretty girl, breathing in waste and wasting away to another,

So warm in her heart, 

Does she know?

A bell chimes in combinations of utter beauty,

Reaching in to tell the secretary, “it’s your move”

Break down,

What a bubbling, fizzling, mess,

I’m new.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/w38403/it\_was\_winter/igvpjmz/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/w38403/it_was_winter/igvpjmz/?context=3) 

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/w3bbi7/the\_little\_things\_that\_life/igvpscm/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/w3bbi7/the_little_things_that_life/igvpscm/?context=3)

Pageboy