My mental health has been declining for 18 years. What is left to look forward too?

I've been losing battles with depression for the last 18 years of my life. I'm 31. Every year gets worse. The good feelings fade the harsh ones remain. This entire time I've fought it; therapy, psychiatry, medications, meditation, daily exercise, self-help, support groups, inpatient, outpatient-name it.

I now have 5 suicide attempts/gestures behind me. And all these years I've been completely lucid as well - no mania, paranoia, or psychoses. This has been my life and I hate it. I hate myself and the things I do. No joy or pleasure from anything. Even the things I turned to for comfort leave a rotten feeling inside.

All the things I've wanted to do and still want seem like impossible miracles. People tell me I can be happy, but there has never been any evidence to suggest that. The last time I woke up happy to be alive was in elementary school. I was 12.

I feel like I'm unlovable, a toxic product that no one cares to be around despite my attempts to put on a happy face. I don't want people to be around me so they don't get swallowed into my despair. I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want to hurt either. It's torture that has lasted 18 years.