i dont know if it was 100 percent intentional. i was recently given advice that i should be more specific in my writing. im not used to that so i was trying to set up imagery without lines being too long and convoluted. so i ended up setting up imagery and then adding context to what actually happened on separate lines.

the voice of this piece is unique, I feel panic and terror of a child coming through in its staccato and intermittent rhythm. it aims at the heart and just fires one right in there, it was really powerful for me. the pace softens at times with "-ing" and "and" and I'm not sure if it's intentional, but it softens the urgency for me, maybe a momentary denial? then back to the terrible present moment with the pace returning.


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That's actually really good advice. Thank you for your input.

Your title is effective at evoking a time and place; I also agree, to an extent, with the other commenter about the effectiveness of the short lines in creating a sense of suffocation or anxiety. I do think you could sharpen the language a bit to enhance that feeling. As the poem progresses, it seems to get further removed from that initial physical space of the backseat—the first few lines create the sense of a child helplessly listening to their parents argue, but once we get somewhere around "the will of the child / the faith of the mother / the trust of the brother / and the spirit of one" I'm sort of lost in the shuffle of a lot of big ideas (will, faith, and trust are all huge). Perhaps the momentum of the opening could be better maintained if we're allowed some additional time to linger in that backseat (presumably of a car). A few choice, physical details could match some of the ideas to something more concrete—for instance, you have "screaming egos / tight round the neck"; may

words like daggers 

flew like arrows

caught in peril

the child between

two towering voices

two screaming egos

tight round the neck of

the child between

from a small eye an ocean

a flow of salt water

the son and the father 

still tearing apart

the will of the child

the faith of the mother 

the trust of the brother 

and the spirit of one

the mother who cries not

who shows not a tear

looks to the child

filling with fear

and tells them to quiet

to never again

allow their emotions

to come out from within

&amp;#x200B;

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wan9v6/remembrance/ii2cyjb/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wan9v6/remembrance/ii2cyjb/?context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/waek4f/flawed/ii2cn8o/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/waek4f/flawed/ii2cn8o/?context=3)