Scared. Jealous. Trying to un-learn bad habits.

I took a shot in the dark figuring r/Polyamory might be a thing, and yep.

I've been seeing an amazing woman for the past nine months. We live about an hour and a half apart, and see each other every weekend. We're both very serious about each other, and planning on spending our lives together.

I've always been monogamous, but I left each of my previous two relationships due to feeling constrained, and wanting something more. I feel like poly is right for me, but I'm up against a jealous and possessive streak, and a tendency to brew up worst case scenarios in my head. It's unhealthy, it sucks, it makes me miserable, but god DAMN it's hard to let go of.

She's a hedonist and let me know it from the start, but she's been keeping things mostly monogamous out of respect for me so that I can adjust at my own pace. We had a great connection at one convention where we had a threesome with a newly-made acquaintance (male). At another event, we got handsy and playful with a group of people (particularly one GQ individual who was super sweet), but only actually had sex with each other. Outside of that though, we've pretty much been monogamous.

I've had a couple of play partners where play has stopped short of sex, but between work and school, she hasn't had the time for anything of a similar nature. Because of the compartmentalized nature of our poly connections (the subject really just comes up at cons) and our day-to-day distance, I've sort of lost track of the fact that it's been nine months by now.

Last weekend, we went to a burn with a friend of hers. I took a couple of days off from work (borrowing ahead) and we set up camp for five days, but it ended up being a miserable experience from my end. I felt like I was a fifth wheel around the two of them, and despite the fact that she never had sex with anyone else, I felt neglected. On her side, she felt stifled and resentful for feeling guilty about my possible reactions when she ended up cuddling other people. We've talked at length, and she felt like she was giving me enough attention. I think my major issue was that we weren't falling asleep and waking up together (I woke up alone twice with her gone, and while I knew she wasn't out having sex, it still left me feeling empty and hurt). She feels like she's been repressing herself for too long, and she really just wants to be free to form whatever connections feel natural. When I shut things down (either with words or body language), it triggers memories of her possessive ex, and she resents the act (though not me per se).

I'm trying to move on past my jealousy and irrational fears, since my worrying sends me through every worst case scenario even when it never happens. This evening, a mutual friend we made two events ago contacted her asking about a date. Now, this isn't the horror story you think it's turning into -- I really like this guy. He's funny, chill, communicative, non-threatening, he's in a relationship, and he's just a good person to hang out with. In a way it's a great situation because it lets me stop, breathe, and let things happen with someone I trust. I told her she's free to do whatever she wants with him.

I honestly mean it, and I can't think of a better person to help us work through this, but I'm terrified. She's beautiful, smart, strong, funny, and flat-out amazing. I want to be better, both for her sake and my sake. I want to grow up emotionally and quit being a scared child. But sometimes I feel scared and lost and a bit pressured; when we talked about the sleep issue, we couldn't come to a good compromise (she likes to stay up and party until early morning), so we're punting on it until we plan for the next event. That sort of stuff (and how I felt this past weekend) scares me.

She's the most incredible person I've ever known, and I sometimes worry that I'm about to push too fast just out of fear of losing her. Other times, I think I'm getting complacent and going too slow (I mean, it's been almost a year), and she's stuck being patient for my sake.

Help? Reassurance? Thoughts?