Source
r/OCPoetry•
corder98

Away

Poem

I want to disappear

Dwindling to dust

A distant memory

Left behind to rust

​

I yearn to get away

And leave it all behind

Then fade into the distance

I’m done, I’m out, resigned

​

I long for peace and quiet

A stillness in the mind

Somewhere to be happy

And finally feel alive

​

I pine for something more

Water for the soul

Right now, I wax and wither

Craving to be whole

​

[1] https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/whh891/begin/ij5ykby/?context=3

[2] https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wgyh8m/the_pirate/ij5zogm/?context=3

Posted Aug 6, 2022, 9:58 AM UTC

1123
Ob1jacobyy•

“I pine for something more

Water for the soul

Right now, I wax and wither

Craving to be whole”

Words to my ears. I know this feeling all too well. Had enough of life’s mundaneness, ready for some changes. Great poem and great job of putting real thoughts and emotions into its entirety.

2
ali_ghamar•

I like this. It's a nice illustration of an unfortunately common alienation.

2
TheDrowsyJamie•

The feeling of longing here is potent, strong lines to support. I only wish for more character, more draw, make the longing harsh, because longing bites deeper every thought it makes. Where as the longing here feels distant? But the lines used are present. Love this writing, my wants in reading are just my longing lol.

2
corder98OP•

Can you give an example of what you mean?

1
TheDrowsyJamie•

"I yearn to get away"

"I long for peace and quiet"

Two starters that both led to a strong one liner. The tempo is a boom. Boom. Boom.

And so on and so forth. The vibe is very potent. And your ending line very strong but powerful lines aren't exactly draw. More fluidity from one line to the other rather than potent one liners. I noticed you flowed very clearly and cleanly a couple times. I only wished for more. Not really criticism but definitely a wish. I enjoyed the writings power and tempo.

2
corder98OP•

Yeah I understand what you're saying, thank you for your insight.

2
TheDrowsyJamie•

Do you practice different styles and continuation flows or is power and strong rhymes your go to right now? I'd like to see your other styles.

2
Pseudo-Dionigi•

This reminds me of Seneca: "In suis quoque malis ita gerere se oportet ut dolori tantum des quantum <natura> poscit, non quantum consuetudo; (...)"

2
corder98OP•

Can you translate that?

1
Pseudo-Dionigi•

Yeah, for sure:

"even in misfortune, one has to surrender to pain only what nature requires, instead of what is required by convention."

2
Quiet_Button6525•

This is a solid poem that most of us can relate to. I have a few editing suggestions if you’re interested, but nothing major. My style is to write poems with as few words as possible. Cheers.

2
corder98OP•

Sure, hit me with the suggestions

1
Slyngbom•

Very beautiful poem. Wanting to recluse into your own zone of bliss, I find very relatable. The use of rhyme also gives it a sort of power, that i can't describe.

2
corder98OP•

Thank you, I am glad you like it

2
itskalasy•

This is amazing! The lines "disappear to dust" and the feeling of starting to "rust". Brilliant. Keep it up!

2
corder98OP•

Thanks a lot

1
solitaryensemble•

You paint strife beautifully! It is in our nature to seek joy, bliss. To long for more. Bravo :)

2
corder98OP•

Thank you very much

1
Appropriate-Horse-80•

Kudos, brethren! I feel ya EXACTLY!! Looks like I ain't the only one sick to my back teeth. Elegantly put, eloquent, evenly measured. Bellissimo!

2
corder98OP•

Thank you for the kind words.

2
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