My recovery and what's next

Before

I was standing in the full blast of confusing, agonizing pain with a bottle in my hand saying, "BRING IT!" Alcohol was my shield. Everything that was wrong in my life was my fault. I was fully involved carving out a meager life for myself in the small space afforded by my shield. The blast never ceased. I was alone against the blinding white wall.

Then

Alone in my room, the door barricaded, I came back into consciousness for the third time that afternoon. Day three or four of a week I planned to binge. I took stock of the alcohol I had left, but there was a problem. I had booze, water, food, and a place to piss. That's all I needed. That was the equation for life. I became aware of a feeling that had been inside me for a long time, but it was especially moving this day. I was not safe. I had done everything I could to responsibly manage my need for alcohol, but I was not prepared to deal with being unsafe in my own company. My shield crumbled into dust and the pain was unbearable, so I cried out for help.

After

I have an online community, a weekly group, and an addictions counselor on my side. Books about family systems and relationships inform me and provide me with a sense of community for the deeply personal stuff. I feel connected to the experiences of other people and recognize that I am never alone, it just feels that way. It feels that way very strongly, and I am sensitive to the emotion partially because of the decisions of my caretakers and my experiences in early childhood. I am able to take responsibility for my actions using the knowledge, experience, and tools I have today. The blinding white wall of pain has dimmed enough that I can see figures. They are adversaries of the experience I want to have in this life. Some of their names are isolation, neglect, and fear.

This week I write down my thought patterns like equations, identify which parts were added by outside forces, and try to subtract those. My internal compass of personal values is becoming more strong and sure with use. I read about emotional abuse, connect it to my experience, validate and process my feelings. I work to simplify, straighten out, and label parts of the thoughts and feelings I experience. I work at identifying my self as something separate from these experiences.

Next

I can accept myself as I am today. No matter how I add, subtract, or simplify, the pages of my life will always show my work. It will forever be messy. The sum at the bottom of the page will have traces of all the previous parts, and I can accept that today. I can give an appropriate amount of energy to reflection and revision. With the rest, I can live fully and openly in this moment.