#**GENERAL IMPRESSION**

It's a chapter from the middle of something so not sure how important it is for this to be super compelling on its own. That said, my expectations from that first little scene were that there would be a bit of tension later, and that never materialized. On the whole it's mostly dialogue and movement so I'll focus on that plus mechanics.

#**MECHANICS**

**DIALOGUE BEATS VS. ELLIPSES**

Lots of ellipses! I don't think all of these are necessary pauses, and if they are necessary pauses, there are other more useful ways to indicate that time passes in silence. Dialogue beats! Instead of having ellipses in the dialogue, why not have the character do something, or take the "moment of silence" as an opportunity to describe something about the setting, or the character's thoughts? Example:

> “Are you… tired?”

> “… I guess? What’s it to you?”

Instead of having the ellipses before "I guess", why not have Sarah think about what Theo asked before she responds. Somethin

Approved since you're posting a short word count, and I suppose those crits are reasonable for such short posts. They're still a little light even for those word counts, though, and for next time going more in-depth would be appreciated. Thanks!

# Character (continued)

The last character comment I have is about Ivor. You asked if it's clear enough or too clear that Ivor isn't a nice guy. Having read your question beforehand, it made sense to me that he will ultimately be an antagonist. However, if I hadn't read your question (and again, without additional context), I would not have been able to tell for sure that he's a bad guy and not just someone who's helping them out of kindness or helping them in order to further his own ends (but not in a way that he'd clash with them later). 

>Ivor sighed, clapping his book shut. “Sarah, you can’t believe everything people say. Some take great pleasure in manipulating others. It’s important to learn who you can trust.” He chuckled. “I’d like to think that you know you can trust me by now.”

This line definitely made me think, "Oh, he's talking about someone else but it's really about him! Which Sarah will eventually figure out! I get it!" But again, that's only because you told me he'

# General Impression

It's tricky to critique this in isolation; it's a short section that's mostly dialogue with limited action, and it clearly comes far enough into the story that there's context and character development that I don't know about. While I agree with another critique that this particular scene never quite pays off the tension that's built up, it's hard for me to say whether that's a problem without knowing where it fits in the overall story. My general impression was that this is a solid bit of dialogue that conveys a decent amount of information; without context, I can't say how well it would work overall. For me, the biggest strength was the information shared contextually about what's been going on in the plot. The dialogue was also easy to follow. My main critique is that this excerpt lacks description and specific details about the actions of the characters (even though it's mostly just conversation), which leads to some of the dialogue tags telling rather than sh

**Overall**  
  
As it stands, this chapter just does not feel very fleshed out to me. The writing isn’t flashy but is serviceable at times, at other times not so much. The good news is that with a little bit of work I think you can get this to a decent spot, so let’s get into it.  
  
**Dialogue**  
  
There’s something that’s not quite working for me and I had to think for a bit to figure out just why that was because it’s not immediately obvious. Then I smacked my head and realized that there’s no emotion. Here’s some examples:  
  
Sarah does something she has never done before (yawns) and what is Theo’s reaction? Ask her a basic question and when she rebuffs, he yawns as well.   
  
Sarah goes to Ivor and says she wants to apologize but doesn’t ever actually apologize. She’s a bit hesitant but there’s no quiver in her voice, no sincerity, nothing to make me feel that this is anything more than a chore.  
  
Ivor has clearly been betrayed pretty badly by Sarah in the pa

**GENERAL REMARKS**

Overall, not bad, though I think I'd benefit from knowing a little more about what's going on. Only on reading your post a second time did I see that it's supposed to be a later chapter, so the lack of an irresistible hook can be forgiven.

**SETTING**

Frozen hellhole? That intrigued me a bit, but I felt like I was left hanging on the description of their environment. I assume this is a fantasy story, so one of my greatest wishes is that you'll transport me somewhere I haven't been. Are they in a big frozen cave? If they are, you didn't sell me on it. Moreover, what does this setting do to the characters? How does it impress upon them? There's some hints that the characters are tired and anxious to meet Ivor. I think that going further on the oppressiveness of the setting would help sell the atmosphere of their mental states even better.

When Sarah is in Ivor's bedroom, I have trouble picturing the place. I still don't know if we're in an Ice Cave or a Regular Ca

 

Hi! I decided to write part of a later, more dialogue heavy chapter for one of the ideas I have posted about earlier to see how it felt.

Text:

[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1\_frfah2TTOn4Biz4RazW-koCZ\_Ff9MU8iY0z8ZEZHT8/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_frfah2TTOn4Biz4RazW-koCZ_Ff9MU8iY0z8ZEZHT8/edit?usp=sharing)

Some points I am interested in hearing your opinions about:  
&gt;!Is the line "I thought your whole race was evil" Inappropriate? Something about it rubs me the wrong way!&lt;

&gt;!Is it clear enough / too clear that Ivor isn't a nice guy? I'm trying to set him up as a villain!&lt;

Critiques:

\[478\] [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/wn7lfy/478\_psychopomp/ik4dzkb/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/wn7lfy/478_psychopomp/ik4dzkb/?context=3)  
\[670\] [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/wltr3y/670\_two\_spoons/ik4p3qy/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/wltr3y/670_two_spoons/ik4p3qy/?context=3)

[1101] By the book