My brother, my protector
Broad shoulders next to me
Framing your long, confident stride
But now I cannot see
Just feel the absence since you died
My brother, my friend
A twinkle in your eye
The stifled laugh is our secret
Now my smile is a lie
My saving grace is no regret
My brother, in me
Striving to be kind
Offering to help when I can
Joy is left to find
When heaven holds my biggest fan.
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Posted Aug 14, 2022, 5:31 AM UTC
I can feel the raw emotion in your poem. I can see that you're making a concerted effort to use imagery, which is one of the attributes of a great writer! I do think your poem is somewhat lacking focus. While for a poem with this subject matter the natural thing to do might be to list down the many great things about your brother (his stature, his smile, his laugh, his eyes, his kindness and loyalty, etc.), I think a better way would have been to focus on one or a few images. That way, rather than stuffing your poem with many things to think about, you're able to save more words onto one subject that you can pour all your heart and soul into, and draw more emotion from the reader. Like for example, his smile. If you make that the central focus to your poem, you could talk about what that smile meant, how you smiled back at him, how that smile isn't there anymore— things like that. Sure, it's not as wide of a frame, but it'll allow you to go deeper emotionally and make your poem even more profound.
On a personal note, I send my condolences. I hope you can find some comfort in poetry as I have. <33
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my brother died too but i think this should either be more mysterious or introspective it feels too forward
I’m not sure how to include all the feelings and memories in a poem. May try a different type, this is my attempt at an ode or elegy?
Very emotional poem, the kind to get things off your chest straight foward, seems like your brother left a very strong and inspirational impact on you.I'm sorry for your loss.
As a brother myself, this hit right at home with me and made me reflect on how I impact, for better or worse, my sibling and how I would want to be remembered once I inevitably pass on. Thank you for sharing your writing and I wish you the best on your journey!
If you‘re looking for feedback then I’d suggest you try to play around with different types of structure. Looking at how you’ve integrated your rhyme scheme, I‘d love to have seen you group your work’s lines into pairs.
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It’s clear your brother left a big impact on you. I’ve never lost an immediate family member (yet) and I can’t begin to imagine what that must feel like. Was he in the military by chance? The heroic, confident, strong imagery makes my mind go that way. Nice work and sorry for your loss.
Thank you! Not in the military, just a solid 6’4” loyal, consistent guy. This is really my first attempt at a poem as an adult so just trying it out.
I wrote my first poem tonight, too. It felt very good to get off my chest. I hope you writing this did the same.
Cool, I just read it. It pulls you in with emotion and the last line is very impactful.
Thank you.