Sleep is for the weak
Get up, get ready, repeat
12 hours on my feet
Get home make something to eat
Barely got time for me
You plea for me not to leave
Gotta pay the bills
Even if it kills, me
Posted Aug 15, 2022, 7:17 PM UTC · edited
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this feels forced and like you are trying to make it relatable by reusing already abused words and messages instead of actually making it relatable by using your own unique perspective.
I see what you mean. I was debating on making the poem longer but I liked the simple fast pace tone to it. I wasn’t trying to use common phrases as the main thing but since it is so small I see where you are coming from. Thank you for your honest feedback.
Sleepless Nights
No Rest, I’m Weary
Dying and Surviving
Running Out of Time, Running Out of Life
Struggling to Survive
Sleepwalking
Killing Me Slowly
Struggles of the Lower-Middle Class
🤷🏽♀️🤷🏽♀️ Just the first few random things that came to mind. You don’t always have to choose a title based off of the actual words in the poem, it could be the feeling you’re trying to convey or it can be a way to describe even more what you’re portraying through the body of the poem. That’s what I like to do most times anyways. Hope this helps and gives you some ideas!
In fact, the concept behind kinda reminded me of a 70's song, Cat's In The Cradle. I don't exactly know what your first inspiration was for writing this piece but I guess I'd call it Wave-less Ocean (or so), looks a lot like what that life seems like
I respectfully disagree with the other comment though. It doesn’t feel forced, it’s simple yes but simple is good and you get the message across. You leave no room for guessing what it might be about which is nice sometimes. Don’t worry about using big or “pretty” words or worry about making it sound fancy etc because you need to write from the heart and what naturally comes to you. I like the ending though, it creates a clear and relatable picture of what it’s like living paycheck to paycheck and not knowing about what will happen tomorrow or if you’ll be able to afford food and keep up with rent etc. I have experience with these things so I feel like I relate to it more.
Thank you. I like your suggestion “struggling to survive” for the title. The short fast paced poem is meant to reflect the busy life of the reader. Thank you for your input.