Falling apart

I cut myself for the first time in…6? years today. It really didn’t help and it was a waste of time. I don’t know if I’ll go through with more today but I’m not well. He’s gone and I’ll never get it back. I ruined a lot of things in my life tonight and I don’t think I can ever fix them. I’m too scared to do anything out of fear of surviving and living with permanent damage. But I also don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I work 40 hours a week and can’t afford to just take a break from life. I can’t afford to be hospitalized right now.