trinityvoid

I don’t know how else to find you. Your username on Gaia changed pretty often, but the last one I remember it being was vvv_ashley_vvv. We would PM a lot back and forth, I remember my most recent username had “Cosplayer” in it. I remember that you lived in Michigan and I live in Massachusetts. We played around 2010-2012? I remember that I wasn’t even in middle school yet and I was around 10-12 then.

I’ve thought about you a lot over the years and I just wanted to hear from you. You were one of my only real friends at a time where I was young and impressionable and didn’t recognize the toxicity around me. I hope I can find you.

i’m finally starting to move on, talk to new people, try new things. life is going well. but a part of me still feels empty. like i’m missing something. it still hurts that we are no longer a part of each other’s lives. we talked every day, all day, and now we’re strangers. you were my best friend in the entire world, someone i shared so much with. i still miss you. and your bed, and your cat. i think i always will and that is very tragic. i think of you every day and i probably will for a very long time. but that’s life i guess.

i hope you’re doing well. i miss you. thank you for all the happy memories. maybe one day we can make more.

So I was recently hired as an Animal Care Tech for a research lab at a local university. It’s mostly a lot of cleaning and general husbandry for lab mice. I only have my associate’s in biology so I know lab tech jobs are harder to come by. But since I’m not actually doing anything for the labs that use our mice, I’m just wondering if this position is more suited for someone that wants to further a career in husbandry rather than lab work and if I should look for something else? Most of the people I work with end up going on to do the same job in larger universities, I don’t know of any that end up working for the labs themselves. I don’t hate the job I just want to make sure I’m not wasting

Fuck you. Fuck you for cheating on me. For moving on as fast as you did. Fuck your new relationship. Fuck your happiness. You didn’t care about mine so I don’t give a fuck about yours. I hope the guilt eats you alive and it haunts you for the rest of your life. I truly hope you feel like a piece of shit right now because you are one. Fuck you forever.

All the shit you talked about her to me? How you said you’d secretly be in contact with me even when she wouldn’t allow it? How you said you’d always love me and always hold me in a special place in your heart even years down the line? How you still secretly have all our pictures and things I made and got for you? I hope she finds out and your rebound falls apart. I hope she abandons you the way you abandoned me. It’s your karma.

I’m just so annoyed that you flaunt her in ways you never did me. You were embarrassed to be with me. You didn’t want me people to know so you never wanted to put my name in any bio, have any pictures with me, and even hid your fucking relationship status with me. You hated being with me. I was never something you were invested in, but she is and you want everyone to know it. You want everyone to see how much better she is and how happy she makes you. You want it to be obvious to the world that you never valued me in the same way. Fuck your rebound.

It isn’t fair that I loved someone for so long, gave them every part of my soul only for them to fall out of love a year before leaving me. To lie to someone and tell them they broke up with me earlier than they did. To cheat on me. To give them my money because I cared about them and they take it with no thought about the fact that they weren’t even in love with me anymore. I always love harder than anyone loves me. It’s a symptom of every relationship I get in. It hurts so fucking bad waking up every day realizing that you already love someone more than me. I feel like such a loser for still hurting and crying over someone that isn’t even thinking of me right now, or ever.

Seeing her name in your bio after all that has happened really hurts. You NEVER did that for me. You hid your relationship status with me all the time yet you flaunt her everywhere when you NEVER did that with me. You NEVER took pictures with me, put stickers of things I liked on your stuff, showed me off. Yet you do it with her. No matter what you said to me you still love her more than you ever loved me. You already have something deeper and more meaningful in a few months than what we ever had or could have hoped to have in the years we dated. I’m nothing to you. You were embarrassed to be with me. You hid me like a dirty secret when we were dating and probably will continue to in the fut

I can’t believe I did this. Every time I move I can feel the pain of the cuts. Every time I take my pants off I realize how deep and bad they actually are. I feel so stupid that I even reached this point. I’ve been googling ways to make them heal quickly because I feel so ugly and gross now. It didn’t help, it just made me feel like I undid 6+ years of healing and recovery.

I never really thought I’d get to this point again, but here I am. I haven’t owned anything sharp enough to cut very deep in years, but I certainly tried tonight. Made myself bleed and that’s all I really care about. I don’t know if this is going to be a regular thing again, but I’m in a bad place mentally and I thought I was doing okay, but I feel incredibly empty.

I cut myself for the first time in…6? years today. It really didn’t help and it was a waste of time. I don’t know if I’ll go through with more today but I’m not well. He’s gone and I’ll never get it back. I ruined a lot of things in my life tonight and I don’t think I can ever fix them. I’m too scared to do anything out of fear of surviving and living with permanent damage. But I also don’t want to wake up tomorrow. I work 40 hours a week and can’t afford to just take a break from life. I can’t afford to be hospitalized right now.

You want me in your life but only on your terms. You said you’re only gonna check in. So why keep me unblocked? Why tell me you love me? Why tell me I’m incredible? Why tell me you’ll always be there in my life? It hurts when knowing you’re building with someone else. It destroys me.

I forgot I still had a few of my ex’s friends on social media. If you look back at my posts you would learn that my ex moved on EXTREMELY fast, started talking to his ex only a few weeks after breaking up with me and moved her and her child (not his) into his apartment (also not his) about a month after the breakup. Well I noticed his new girlfriend commenting on his friends’ posts, and it just completely destroyed me. The fact that he’s already integrating her into his social circle. It destroys me SO MUCH that this whole thing has been so incredibly easy for him, that losing me was nothing and having the capacity to love again so soon. It makes me feel like I never mattered and I never lef