On Gravel Road
On gravel road I met him there. That old and rugged soul. His sunken eyes, and brittle face, a man who’s paid life’s toll.
I sat a spell and talked a while. His stories rang so true. I reminisce and can’t forget the stories of his youth.
His woeful tales of caution, on deaf ears did not fall. I drank up all his wisdom, I harkened to his call.
Then our time came to an end, for he said he had to go. I shook his hand and waved goodbye, as he vanished far too slow.
I stood up brisk off the ground and brushed aside a tear. For I am him, and he is me, that sad soul in the mirror.
This is one of the first poems I’ve written so I apologize if it gives any of you seasoned poets a headache
EDIT: Be brutally honest, does it read like an angsty middle schooler decided to take poetry? Tear strips off of me, be real, be honest let me know what needs work and what your true honest impressions are
Posted Aug 19, 2022, 3:52 AM UTC · edited
This is such a great start! Better than most you’ll find on, we’re mostly amateurs after all. Above all it stands on its own two legs. The poem knows what it wants to be and tells a complete story.
And I have to admit, you got me with that last line. I did not expect it to go where it did. It’s not angsty as much as I would say a bit cliché, but only slightly. That hardly detracts from the affect it has because clearly you tricked me!
Just a few random suggestions that I might consider making, take them as you will. The tense change in line 4 to “I reminisce” threw me off a bit. “As he vanished far too slow” really struggled to roll of the tongue smoothly. The way it’s written to me felt choppy but maybe I could always be reading it differently than you do. “I stood up brisk off the ground” also sounded odd.
There are a few other lines too and the reason for this is your poem generally follows an 8 syllable line (pause) followed by a 6 syllable line. It’s the lines that veer from this 8/6 syllable structure that sound odd. Perhaps one or two would make sense as a way of drawing attention but my suspicion is that it was accidental. If that’s the case, I would just recommend counting out the syllables and finding which lines veer from the 8/6 structure, make a few minor tweaks, and bam you have a poem that reads as smooth as butter.
I absolutely hope to see you write more, this was a joy to read!
I appreciate the in-depth feedback and the manner in which it was presented. I’ll definitely note those technical aspects and try to fix them!