Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the criticism and don't want to come off as defensive or anything. It's just hard because I think we may have different expectations out of books and I don't know how much of this is set in stone. Take for instance, The Unbearable Lightness of Being. This sub would probably tear its ponderous, detached narration apart. I ate it up. Not that I'm anywhere close to that level, but you get the point.

So I'm in this predicament where I'm not sure how much of this fleshing out of streetlings, OT, the time capsule, Jensen, etc. is actually required in the first chapter. I think we do know some things about them and can start forming our views, but by necessity I can't say much about any of them until the time is right. For instance, the time capsule. Nobody has any idea what's inside it, and they won't know until it's opened, which is the inciting incident. I feel like I've given away most of what the reader can understand about the time capsule in the first 

FWIW this was written in good faith.

I try to be pretty unfiltered with what thoughts your writing creates as I'm reading it. Hopefully that raw look is helpful. 

>It's chapter one

Exactly. It is chapter one, the single most important chapter. It needs a hook that could catch a whale. It needs to slap me in the face and say "I'm INTERESTING! READ ME!".

I don't need 'whole backstories' but I need a hint. I need you to make a promise to me that there is more to the story and if I stick with it, it will pay off in something I haven't seen before. 

Currently, the setting, the characters, and the one plot point of a time capsule read as mundane. I feel like I already know what is going to happen.

>I feel like it's being read as a complete story rather than as a first chapter. 

Every chapter is a story within itself. If you can't stick the landing on the first chapter with a compelling beginning middle and end, how can I trust that you can do it with a whole book?

>Also the fact that

So I'm conflicted about this critique. On one hand I think you do a good job of pointing out some things that I'm naturally bad at, most notably my lack of physical descriptions. I understand this and am glad people are calling me on it. Will go back and edit some more.

On the other hand, I feel like this was an unfair reading at times. It's chapter one, I don't have to go into the whole backstory of OT or neatly tie up the significance of the whale or show Jensen's exact relationship towards Streetlings or anything like that so early on. I feel like it's being read as a complete story rather than as a first chapter. It's a book, you're supposed to discover the backstory of the characters over time, not just have it all available immediately.

Also the fact that I'm being criticized for the characters talking about the time capsule, when that is clearly a central point of the book (it's in the title), makes me feel like this is just a generally uncharitable reading. Now you could argu

**Opening**

Good. Not amazing, but with some bits of weird and novelty that makes it interesting. I'm not getting a lot of stakes here, but that's okay. I think the description of Jensen's apartment is good, but could wait till later? I think frontloading the first paragraph or two with plot might be better.


**Plot/Thoughts as I read**

>“Streetliiiings! I - Can’t - Hear - You!”

AYE AYE CAP'N!

I feel like this is going to break out into a dance number any second... But seriously, it's kind of a weird section, and not in a good way. Roving street gangs of children aren't usually breaking into song, i think the reality of something like that is a lot more bleak. That combined with the kind of bland descriptions "running with uncommon purpose", "cohorts in crime" etc, it comes across as really purple, in that it makes me cringe a bit and distracts me from the plot. Simplify please. I have this same problem with writing, I love to just add all sorts of junk to it, but just muddies up 

First thought: this reads very smoothly. I got hooked in and read the first few chapters with ease. You at least know what you're doing when it comes to setting a voice and sticking to it.

First criticism: I don't like how you abbreviated Old Timer to OT. It's not a long name, so you're not really saving anyone any time by doing so, and it looks sloppy; meaning it sticks out to my eye. But, I'm also autistic so I like writing where different words don't stick out like that. Also, you seem to oscillate with calling him OT and Old Timer later on, and I was a little confused why you would do this.

I like this line: "His unit was the consummate bachelor's pad, filled with mismatched furniture, bare walls, and a smell best described as uncertain." It paints a detailed picture without getting into the nitty gritty. Helps with the flow of the piece when you find that sweet spot. You do that often throughout the piece.

The chant from the street children is really cute, but maybe this is the

Very glad to be of help!  I think the best way to get us attached to Jensen is emotionally, and I think the existential dread angle would be a good thing to develop in that regard :)

Thanks for your feedback! I think you're spot on with a lot of what you've said and it mirrors other criticism I've received so you're definitely onto something. You rightly saw that I'm trying to hint at the existential dread angle with Jensen, but I can see how it was sort of left hanging and I didn't carry it through the chapter (or book in general) as much as I should've. I think your lack of identifying with the main character is also in part due to my writing not being particularly immersive. This is also something I've heard from others so I'll go back and try to physically ground things a bit more. Glad you enjoyed it overall though, thanks for the help!

First impression: 

This is very well written.  There aren't many places where I catch a snag while reading.  What few there are, are inconsequential.  The inclusion of the streetlings chant is excellent.  It really helps bring the setting to life. 

The conversation between Tino and Tamala flows well, but I lose track of who is saying what by the end.  I assume it's a regular back and forth, but I have to run a secondary process while reading to make sure I am on track.  Also, as I only have the names Tino and Tamala to go off of, it is difficult to truly characterize them in my head.  

The writing does a great job of making the characters seem at home in a lived in world.  I feel some disconnect though which I can't really get a grasp on.  I don't really feel like I understand any of the characters.  The streetlings rushing around harassing folks held the most interest for me.  I understood their motivations, their actions, and could really get a feel for them.  The main character j

A long time ago I posted this chapter under a different name and got some pretty useful feedback here. I Decided the idea was worth pursuing and after a lot of banging my head against a brick wall, was able to finish the book. Before I start sending out a bunch of query letters I figure it's a good idea to have you kind folks rip it to shreds one last time, so let me have it.

Link: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bWiyIPmrCQEjcuNRjN04b4XqkYanUOmV/edit](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bWiyIPmrCQEjcuNRjN04b4XqkYanUOmV/edit)

Crits:

1. \[1101\] [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/wni2cr/comment/ikw9cz8/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/wni2cr/comment/ikw9cz8/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

2. \[5533\] [https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/wqa2lc/comment/ikm604o/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/wqa2lc/comment/ikm604o/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[3066] A Future Buried in Time Capsules - Chapter 1