Source
r/OCPoetry•
bloodblush

Little Star

Poem

I used to believe

That when a star twinkled

Amidst a clear night sky,

That if I just stared long enough,

Hard enough,

It would fall

Like so much rain.

 

That it would plummet

Into nothingness,

Leaving nothing but empty space

And the promise of change

In its wake.

 

How foolish.

 

To believe that my eyes held such power.

To bring down giants of such immense energy

With just a single glance.

 

My gaze may only observe.

Witness.

 

Like the flow of water

Down your shoulders,

But without ever leaving a drop behind.

 

A star I was not,

and a star I will never be.

 

Luck?

I will bring you no such thing.

 

Much like mere eyes do,

I will slide down your back

And off the face of the Earth,

Without leaving so much as a trace

To show I was there in the first place.

 

(This is my first post here. I do have a blog where I post poems for friends to read but it would be nice to have others read them).

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wyke0q/a_poem_about_grief/im2e606?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wzbkpe/twosided_bathtub_on_closeness/im2dy26?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

Posted Aug 27, 2022, 11:56 PM UTC · edited

2815
Ivedonethattoo•

I really love the rhythm of this poem. Thematically I also enjoyed the concept of the narrator’s gaze not being enough to take down a star. It’s a feeling we’ve all had. The sense that we could bring a star to earth only to realize our own smallness.

My only piece of constructive feedback is that I was a little taken aback by the change to “a star I was not.” While I believe it can be good to shake up the reader, in this instance I think we need a little more warming up to the narrator putting themself into the role of the star.

Still a very lovely piece that speaks to our perceptions of ourselves.

5
bloodblushOP•

Thanks! I really appreciate the feedback and I'll take it into account. I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

1
ohdisone•

I loved the wording and how much I was able to resonate with the meaning of the poem. I could literally place myself into this poem and feel all the hurt and wishing I have done when I was younger. I love the words and innocence of using a lullaby. Great work!

2
bloodblushOP•

Thank you! I'm glad to hear that it meant something to you personally the same way it does to me :)

1
SuperLouSpaghoo•

For me, the best poetry makes me sad but less alone in my sadness. This does that. I really appreciate you sharing your talent I am here with you…..how nice was it to stare up and wonder before? That’s life.

2
bloodblushOP•

I agree in that feeling less alone is one of the best things about poetry. I'm glad you could find comfort in reading this. I came up with this while stargazing and comparing the hopeful thoughts I had as a child to the less optimistic thoughts I have an adult while doing such activities. But you're right, that's just life. Thank you for reading and commenting :)

1
SuperLouSpaghoo•

Absolutely. Yes, I can say that reading this made my night better. Just for some levity to bring myself back to a place that I could watch a funny movie, I sang the little “I don’t want to grow up…I just want to be a toys are us kid”jingle in my head lol. Not sure your age, but if you get it you get it. Hoping you have a wonderful weekend.

2
maygreentree•

I loved this! It immediately dropped my into the visual of a the night sky and took me back to time when I would sit and think on little things that are big things. I loved the flow and rhyming, I read it aloud a couple of times and it sounded lovely! Well done!

2
The-True-Apex-Gamer•

I love the style of this! It really portrays the “mighty” imagination of a child and the realization of futility that becoming an adult Can bring.

2
tay0904•

🥺<3

2
GlaiveWielder72•

To me this poem is like the silver lining of futility. Despite its melancholic tone, the imagery is beautiful and striking. I was moved reading this.

2
LovesSonnets•

The beginning of this poem captivated me: I love that delusion (that I had when I was younger) that it's possible to control aspects of the universe by willing it to be so. This is a great subject for a poem.

The structure is pleasing. Each thought is neatly wrapped into a stanza of inviting length.

The voice is accessible and consistent. I get a sense of a thoughtful, observing narrator. The language is gently poetic - easy to digest and yet deep in nature.

I like the switch from observing "giants" to a human interest. However, I find the story in the second half harder to follow. How does "luck" come into the narrative? This possibly makes sense to the poet but not to this reader. The first line of the final stanza seems to switch subject.

The ending is rich and thoughtful. It connects pleasantly to the opening "foolish" concept.

2
bloodblushOP•

Thanks for this feedback, very detailed and greatly appreciated. My thought with "luck" was the belief that a shooting star brings good luck if you see one. I wrote "Leaving nothing but empty space and the promise of change in its wake" with that in mind. I did want the change of direction to be a bit of a shock but based on the feedback I've been receiving I'll definitely be sure to ease the reader in a little more in future.

2
AutoModeratorMOD•

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1
EstelTelcontar•

It's beautiful but that "a star I was not" line came out of nowhere

1