Is this real?
Or have your lips pierced it’s way through my imagination,
To make me feel,
Like I’ve held you in for a moment.
I know the rain,
And I’ve felt the silk in your skin.
I’ve felt your pain,
With the taste of where you’ve been.
I saw your soul,
Behind your eyes so bare.
Your heart was raw,
From the scars in repair.
All that I ask,
Is that split second, all of the time.
I’ll give you that,
And vow to for the rest of my life
22
Posted Aug 29, 2022, 9:04 AM UTC · edited
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I think you need to drop the rhyme. It's forcing you to write clumsy lines, and even some kitschy clichés, like "rain-pain" or "feel-real".
I'd instead focus on improving basic skills, like line length (that second line is inordinately long for the poem). There are also grammar issues, thought it's obvious that English isn't your first language, and you'll improve in time.
The last four lines should be the climax, but they make no sense. You're asking for a "split second" and also "all of the time", and those are at odds with each other. "I'll give you that" -- what is "that"? You're asking for something to be given to you, you're not giving anything (at least up to this point), so "that" doesn't point to anything. "And vow to for the rest of my life" -- what are you vowing to? Again, information is completely missing.
Now for what's good: your attempt at structuring the poem makes it flow easily. That short line - long line dynamic is a neat idea, but it could be utilized more fully.
You could turn that idea into a point - counterpoint kind of situation, really use that structure to give those lines meaning. Use contrast in the lines to enhance the contrast in length.
Nitpicks: Scars aren't "in repair", they're the repair itself. Wounds can be repaired though.
I agree about dropping the rhyming, and also about appreciating the short line- long line structure. I think possibly separating the poem into stanzas would make the rhyming feel less repetitive, but getting rid of it altogether is my recommendation as well.
I disagree about the last four lines not making sense. My understating is that it is meant to be an ironic juxtaposition. "that split second all of the time" is referring to the rest of the poem as a split second, where eyes meet and souls are bared, and the narrator has set it up as if that is no big ask, but "all of the time" reveals the depth of their expectations. This leads naturally into the final two lines, where the vows seem like an allusion to marriage vows but also a vow that every moment together will be vulnerable as described in the poem.