i think of you but cannot trust
my educated ruminations
for you've become my only focus
the sun king to my wretched peasant
your blinding lights cast everything
adjacent in a boiling white
your truly incidental rule disables any will to fight
your gold and silver cast a spell
for which there is no cure
one day they'll make me lose my head
or maybe cut off yours
Posted Aug 30, 2022, 9:35 AM UTC
This is really cool. I read this as a reflection on a dazzling, consuming kind of infatuation and it’s so impressive to me that you were able to find this really unique metaphor in a world full of cliches.
In terms of my own personal taste, I found the last line a little bit on the nose, and perhaps you could have found a way to work in a double meaning into the line before?— but nonetheless great!
i can see that! i like to put a bit of a punch at the end of my stuff but i suppose it is pretty obvious where this one's going anyways.
Yeah 100% get that, and it definitely works! Just nitpicking over here haha
dw it's good feedback!
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This is an amusing depiction of being consumed by another while also referencing the execution of Louis XVI. The imagery (sun king, boiling white, gold/silver,) is consistent and satisfying, well done!