THIEF! 🤣 

My poetry studies have been largely independent of others input, so I’m actually reassured in my poetry reading skills that someone else has similar responses.

Oh wow I said most of the things you already said without realizing it, even started with the same dang adjective 🤦‍♀️ (except about the page break, that I piggybacked on knowingly) I legit didn’t even read the final paragraph of your comment before. Just wanted to let you know I wasn’t trying to steal your feedback 😬

I am intrigued by the metaphor. Trying to solve its puzzle. Death as marriage. A crime scene. Who is this about? A peaceful death, perhaps a suicide, seen by witnesses/survivors?

Thinking about the line breaks. I can’t help but read the first line as “I am a chalk outline,” adding “married” to the next line. Same with “were” in line 3, moving it to 4. 

the final words “to I.” While I think it would be grammatically correct as “to me,” I’m wondering how it would read if simply removed.

what an interesting poem! i’m really enamored by the first line and how it establishes the metaphor, and i think the metaphor builds really nicely toward the final stanza — i think the idea of the “pale love” is quite interesting and cld possibly be added to in revision, but this poem stands alone as very solid with some great word choice and imagery. keep it up!

You have experienced this? Could you elaborate?

I am so happy i came across this poem. I have experienced this myself and I absolutely love the use of the chalk line. That was chilling and wonderful to me.

Well at least my interpretation of this poem is the separation of your body and mind and married to emptiness. I felt the chalk outline saying it’s a life sentence. I could have read this wrong but that’s where my kind went

This poem intrigued me. I read it many times. I love the first stanza--simple but crystal clear imagery that sets up the tone and metaphor for the rest of the poem nicely. As with another reader, my brain naturally kept reading the first line of the first stanza as, "I am a chalk outline," bumping marriage to the second line. Otherwise to me it reads as, "I am a chalk outline, married;" So if the intended emphasis is the marriage, not the chalk outline, then it works as intended. 

Some more of my thoughts as I read: I found it interesting that the perspective was from the chalk, not the body, and it took me a minute to think of them as distinct, instead of the outline being an extension of/belonging to the body. In the final line, did you write, "said my pale love to I," instead of "to me" for the symmetry? Grammatically it irked me a little (and I know, this is poetry, I need to relax), and I do think it sounds better when read aloud if it ends with "me." But I do also like the look 

Singular

Singular

Plural

Singular

Singular 


(To me) The point of view comes from Death. And Death is waiting for it's consecration, like life waits for a marital consecration. 

Your first stanza introduced Death, but harmonized it with the word marriage, for a wonderful parallel. 

2nd stanza. The photos of a death scene would be grim indeed. Much like photos are an intrinsic milestone to marriages, they are also paramount in *some* death scenes (especially ones with chalk outlines)

3rd stanza is my fav. It groups you, embodied, with Death, disembodied, and blurs the line between a wedding and a death scene. You could apply this sanza to either without issue. It gives so much respect to either scenario without disrupting the other. 

4th stanza. A (detective) priest is an ancient epitome of a presiding authority. Each delicate to honor the white lines that frame the scene.

Perfect 5th stanza conclusion. 

What a beautiful poem. I'm envious of your ability to convey mystery+cla

I really appreciate your feedback. This was honestly a quick poem that fell out of my head yesterday and, upon rereading, I see all your points. Cheers to you!

I was immediately drawn to the slim first lines. I am a chalk outline married—that's a brand new phrase.

Okay, scene is way too vague. like what, a scene in shakespeare? you mean crime scene here, so why not just say it? or something like it.

The first two times I glanced at this I read married as marred, which works, too.  

I am a chalk outline marred  
by the body inside  

I kind of like it!

haha second stanza

\*Guests gave us a wide berth okay now you're veering too much into cliché. wide berth, furtive glances...I've read those same phrases about a hundred times in various novels, describing similar atmospheres. steer away from creative-writing-y phrases—they're not creative, pretty much everybody's dipped into that stock pot.

knelt careful is a bit more of what I'm talking about, but I actually like the fourth stanza.

I like the penultimate line. the last line repeats pale love, robbing it of its effectiveness. we're also lacking any kind of context, any significance for t


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

I am a chalk outline married 

to the body inside. 

&amp;#x200B;

The wedding photos were 

a grim affair. 

&amp;#x200B;

Guests gave us wide berth

and furtive glances.

&amp;#x200B;

The priest knelt, careful 

not to scuff my white lines.

&amp;#x200B;

“I do,” said I to my pale love. 

“...,” said my pale love to I.

&amp;#x200B;

[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x34k3b/comment/imo6u9h/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3), [2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x37fzp/comment/imo3bdz/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

Romance Within a Scene