Much has already been said about how well you use imagery in this piece, so, because I agree, I won't repeat it.

For constructive critique, I will mention some confusion I had with the tense. It starts out past tense (leaves danced), moves to present (sunlight gleams), and keeps us in present tense through a long-ish period of time (we go from height of autumn to the dead of winter). Keep time and tense in mind. The fluttering leaves in the sky is a moment that happened and it's important because of how things are today; how fleeting those moments were. The dead leaves in snow and ice aren't a moment (because nothing is happening) but it is crucial to your poem because it gives us perspective on those fleeting moments. Cnsider changing everything that happens in that autumn scene to past tense and keep the frozen winter in the present.

I like this idea a lot and will give it some consideration for sure. Thank you for your feedback!

This is gorgeous. There is so much beautiful imagery in this. I especially liked “It kisses the parade with bursts of orange/ and the sky flushes red”. I think you may want to play with a that metaphor a little more. Maybe make the “chilling currents” a jilted lover who takes the leaves for themselves? Either way, super beautiful

This is my favorite comment because it, itself reads like a poem! I'm glad that what I was going for is what I achieved. I really wanted to convey my love for those seasons while at the same speak on some level about the change that happens within all of us over time as we watch these seasons pass.

I love the way you bring up color in this poem, it allows me to visualize the cycle you seem to be discussing, fall to winter, the middle of life to the end. As oranges blend to reds the last breathe of passion is the most intense, until there is silence. The final climax.

I love the imagery and the way you use such vibrant words to paint a melancholy scene. It reminds me of the works of impressionist painters and is really beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

Thank you so much! I haven't ever really posted my stuff before so to see that it was well received is a beautiful beautiful thing!

Wow, wow and wow. Very well written. The use of imagery and integration of natural elements is very well done.

Keep it up!

I feel that this is a metaphor for change, comparing it to the changing of the seasons. I love the way this is structured and how it feels off the tongue. 

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Keep it up. 10/10

2. LITERARY
the clear sky; the upper regions of air beyond the clouds.
"nasty gases and smoke disperse into the ether"

That's the second definition given for aether/ether from Google. It is a bit of an archaic word, I'll give you that but I felt that it fit well, and is infact a synonym for sky, heavens, etc.

As far as wanting to adapt things from my poetry, I'd be absolutely honored and I'm glad that you enjoyed it! Thank you again for your feedback.

.....well aether might not be a good synonym for sky...........its more of an element (old) a substance. Well please allow me adapt some stuff from this peotry it kinda woke a dimension in me

I guess I meant for it to read like "a parade towards the sky" where "the" is a necessary word grammatically. Thank you for your feedback though

This gave me chills .........its smell is like that of poetry. This is glorious.

But "the" in  fourth line killed the smooth journey to me. I read it again blanking out "THE".

wow, this is really nice! i really enjoy the steady procession toward the last line; another commenter mentioned it works well as a metaphor for change, with which i completely agree! the imagery is very vivid, particularly “…bursts of orange/ the sky flushes red” — the subtle use of color really helps push this poem toward the blankness that the ending implies. keep it up!

This was beautiful. I especially liked the last 2 lines. it allowed me to imagine all the way through the poem

This is really gorgeous. Like just about everyone has said, your use of imagery is incredible. 

I am going to save this one!


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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I couldn't disagree more. What is poetry without embellishing words or phrases to paint an intricate picture that conveys some level of emotion? I think this is simply a difference in taste as others in the comment section kindly disagree with you.

Yeah, there are plenty of good turns of phrases here but it reads forced and unnatural to me. Like an organically beautiful face caked in makeup. Perhaps cutting words would help. You don’t have to say “blowing in the wind” for instance. That content has already been more eloquently conveyed in the following line. You can also cut “toward the heavens” Etc.

Is that why you wrote it in strict pentameter? I totally agree with you.

I felt that line was integral to explain that winter was coming, and that a change was occuring in the story. Could I have written it differently? Maybe. I like it the way it is though. Thank you for your feedback. :)

I think the progression of the images is really nice, which echoes what some other commenters have said. One thing I think would be nice is if you would edit some of the lines down. "But chilling currents roll in from the north" is a metrical line, but most of the others aren't. It just seems like it can't decide if it is in metre or free verse:). But very pretty!

Hmm. There is a lot of color imagery in what I only assume is about aging. It counters that sense and makes it child-like.

The leaves danced like butterflies in the blowing wind

Streaming across the sky in auburn glory

Fluttering towards the heavens like an inferno

A procession toward the æther, orchestral and rhythmic

Like roaring breath from cheering skies

As sunlight gleams through the billowing clouds

It kisses the parade with bursts of orange

And the sky flushes red

But chilling currents roll in from the north

And crosswinds bear defiantly onto the soaring leaves

Thrusting them down towards the earth below

For now the gusts have stilled

And the trees are frozen and bare

Soon to be entombed in snow

Shuddering and weightless, the leaves lay dead

With silence upon us, coated in alabaster rain

Never to touch the heavens, again

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x2stke/haikuadvice/imnli2m?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share&amp;context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x2r0r0/will_my_hands_rot/imnm69e?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share&amp;context=3

Wither