> I would not keep reading. It feels like the story is on Chapter 105. I don't find anything relatable with these characters.

Thanks this was the feedback I was looking for!

Appreciate the crit!

An extra bit on dialogue: 

>I keep my voice measured, barely. “I’ve spent all night in a shouting match with Mikael. If you want your turn, you can have it.”
He tucks backwards and looks at me as a child begging for food. “I’m not here to fight. I just want to understand you again.”

This bit I think doesn't need the extra descriptions of how they are saying each line. 

I think:

>“You would let another question our rule?” Alessandra muses in my head. “Cut off his head and hang him by his lungs. Right above our throne will do. Like a chandelier.”

Could be better with Italics instead of quotation marks.

GENERAL REMARKS: 

The female protagonist Sasha is the leader of a victorious army, and now is set up to rule the kingdom. Her boyfriend comes in to her room and expresses doubts about her plans and their relationship. Sasha became the leader by mutiny. Sasha has the voice of a goddess trapped in her head. 

I would not keep reading. It feels like the story is on Chapter 105. I don't find anything relatable with these characters. 

SETTING and STAGING: 

Sasha and her boyfriend are standing in Sasha's bedroom and they are talking. They touch hands at one point. There is a bit where Sasha gets out of bed half naked. 

I can't picture the room they're in, or the time period, or decor. I don't know anything about this world from this tiny bedroom scene. They don't interact with the environment apart from one of them getting out of bed. 

PLOT: 

The boyfriend wakes up Sasha to go to a party. They discuss details of going to the party. I assume they go to the party. 

They recount that the

GENERAL REMARKS  
  
This is NOT a first chapter.  I need way more grounding information. How did Sasha and Zu get where they are?

Extend those first couple of paragraphs, tell me more about the war. I like the poetry of the last few lines in that intro (How many more until the next charge? Bang. Bang. Bang…), but they’re not enough. I need a little bit more context to want to keep reading.   
  
MECHANICS  
  
The title is a little boring. As a frequent fantasy reader, The Crimson Queen is exactly the kind of thing I would overlook in a bookstore. Get funkier with it!  
  
The prose is very poetic, but not purple. I like the way things like the ground and blades are personified. I am a very impatient reader, so it’s impressive that you managed to write so prettily without boring me!   
  
SETTING AND STAGING  
  
The war camp was nicely described (“The gluttonous mud suckled the pointed tips of our iron boots…”). As was the bed in the royal chamber, but that’s not enough 

I'll try to keep this short, but as a preliminary disclaimer I am just a random person on the internet and I don't even read much fantasy anyway. Also, I'm assuming you're aiming to be traditionally published. 

I would not start with this chapter. It doesn't capture my attention at all, and starting with characters waking up is so overdone and cliche at this point. I think it's better to start the story almost too late than too early, but that's debatable. 

Though I like your writing, it feels very...utilitarian somehow? It's good that it's not flowery/purple-y and easy to read, but I guess what I mean to say is it lacks voice. I don't get a clear sense of who the MC is on the first few pages, and it reads quite dry. But maybe the MC is just very stoic and it would appeal to other readers. It may very well just boil down to my personal preferences. 

Have you considered making your story adult rather than YA? Again, I know nothing about the fantasy market in either age groups, but I 

I think my current CH 1 might introduce too much too quickly, so I wanted to ease readers into my world slightly slower (not too slow). So, I wrote a chapter 0 that might become my chapter 1. My only question is: would you keep reading and why or why not?

~~[Crimson Queen Ch. 0](https://docs.google.com/docuent/d/1_VgjOQohdqfpC1VpQugnv5_Jz8TvJGhg1WuqhN-lKx8/edit?usp=sharing)~~

EDIT: Closing this one as I've gotten the feedback I needed. Thanks all!

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For mods:

- [[1684] October Surprise, Part 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/x2p3ll/1684_october_surprise_part_2/imq0730/)

[1523] Crimson Queen CH. 0