Thank you so much for this feedback. I appreciate that :)

Well, I'll try to be more careful about rhymes/rhythms from now. I didn't really think about it, thinking it's not a big deal. But thanks for pointing it out

Reading this. I was struck by how song-like this piece is; very lyrical in a contemporary way.

That said, whether it’s poetry or song, there’s are some rhythmic bumps to iron out. For the most part, you have 5 syllables per line. Occasionally, you’ll drop to 4, but that seems to bother me less than those moments that you jump to 6. I know I’m being nitpicky as I’m sitting here literally singing this and it’s one of those things where I’m trying to squeeze that sixth syllable in and it’s just not working. I’m in a weird mood and rambling. Sorry.

Thank you so much for the feedback! I'll surely work on that :)

i personally don't pay any attention to the rhythim when i writte but i still agree with Pixilz; because the rhythm is close to being like correct it feels more wrong that it isn't like it feels like i'm on my bike riding happily on the road and then suddenly somebody appears out of nowhere and I have to break violently because they are crossing without looking when those 4 syllable lines come up and then I have to continue as if nothing happened but again i'm not one to talk cause i'm worse

This is so good! And, emotional. You did a great job in expressing your feelings. I like the flow and how it reads. Thanks for sharing this! Keep writing! Hope you already posted this one, this must be read by other people too :)

>You chose to leave  
>  
>even as I was begging you to say  
>  
>begging you to tell me  
>  
>why you were behaving this way  
>  
>of you, I never grew bored  
>  
>it was you, I adored.  
>  
>I tried my best, to love you through  
>  
>why I let you go,  
>  
>was more than boredom  
>  
>it was more like, I grew to fear you  
>  
>The things you would say  
>  
>the "jokes" you would play  
>  
>and the utter lack of compassion  
>  
>for how I was feeling  
>  
>and experiencing your allay  
>  
>you never took my emotions seriously  
>  
>you never protected me  
>  
>from your so-called friends and other loved ones,  
>  
>you let them abuse me  
>  
>you let them do whatever  
>  
>when finally you said "just put up with it"  
>  
>I knew you would defend me never.  
>  
>My experience after you  
>  
>I felt only abused  
>  
>and I needed time to heal.  
>  
>even if it was only your name  
>  
>even if it was only your face that was used  
>  
>instead of the real you,  


Thank you so much for the wonderful feedback! I appreciate that :)

This honestly brings back memories, so I hope you don't mind me treating this like a prompt.

before I do so, let me give your poem its due, your poem is very well written. as someone who focuses on the emotions and feelings of a poem, as well as the flow, I can say these feelings feel very well described, it would be hard to say it means anything else. I hope you can heal from your past, that you can finally move on from your hurt and find someone who doesn't grow bored of you.

(and I hope my poem doesn't trigger or hurt you, it is quite emotionally charged)


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

It hurt so bad

When I left your home

When I walked away

and you let me go

Could've talked babe, 

could've let me know 

that it's too late

that you're getting bored

_Was I getting cold?_

//

Well, being apart 

was in our destiny 

Yeah, life is hard, 

rather have a dream

But in the dark

it can't be seen 

You __won__ my heart 

Then __lost__ interest in me

_Isn't it funny?_

//

How you define "love"? 

It's a state of mind

Why it hurts so much

as the days go by

If I had a chance 

to go back in time, 

uhm... nah

would be a waste of time 

_Why don't I feel alive?_

//

I wanted you 

to hold my hands, 

to make me stay

but you wanted to

reach the end

Guess it's too late

and now I know

You don't want me back 

_Was I that bad?_    




https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x3lv42/3am/?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x3g9ys/forsaken/?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share

No Efforts