Journal about recent ups and downs

I feel the need to journal about this weekend's ups and downs related to addictions and relationships, and how my mental state affects my perception of everything going on. So here goes...

Saturday was tough for me emotionally and mentally. I spent most of it lying in bed, cycling between feeling a headache, an anxiety in my chest, and a constant worry about my future plans and direction of my life. Low and slow panic all afternoon and evening. Caffeine was a factor. I overdid it in the morning. Plans I had made were a factor. I was going to stay with people who might be using alcohol, weed, and psychedelics in the evening. I decided to not show up based on how ungrounded I felt, and how anxious I felt about contacting them. Beginning the night before, I started feeling vulnerable to the behavior of other people on any kind of mind-altering substance.

On Friday I had an experience watching YouTube with a couple friends and one was smoking pot. When the videos turned to PTSD-stricken people who were using drugs and drinking (coverage of Chicago youth/rap scene), I wanted to excuse myself and go home immediately. Something between talking to someone who was stoned next to me, and listening to young people who were drunk on TV overwhelmed me. Usually, violence and yelling don't get through to me. I braced myself for the last 10min and left after that. I didn't want to use any drugs, but I felt unsafe and vulnerable in that environment. I didn't feel understood or heard by my friends, or by myself, and I didn't feel like we as a group weren't understanding the people expressing themselves on TV. I felt isolated from everyone.

I think part of my feelings/symptoms Saturday were residual from the night before. Next time I might try speaking up to suggest something besides YouTube, or journaling after I got home to get the feelings out of my system. Maybe doing something physical could help me process that day's worth of stress, so it won't leak into the following day. Part of why I'm looking at what I could do differently is because I want to always be improving how I handle myself, and part of it is out of shame. I feel shame when I am affected emotionally by external things. I accuse myself and feel guilt when I "fail" to manage my mental state in real time. I hold myself to a perfect standard, and expect myself to fend off big negative emotions like a martial artist in a movie defeating bad guys.

Late on Saturday night I started to feel less anxious after some breathing/mental exercises. I've been using a porn-quitting app that has led to meditating every morning for the last 12 days, taking time to breathe deeply and flex my mental muscles. I struggle with not having those porn/masturbation chemical spikes in my life anymore, and I feel accomplished when I think about how I have made huge progress in quitting something that has been a significant part of my life for 20 years. It feels great and terrible at the same time right now.

Then I got a text message detailing something my other friend is going through. The two of us used to get the most messed up together at every party. When I stopped drinking, it was hard for him to understand at first, but now he's supportive. He's one of the very few who have seen me at my near-worst and still shows love for me. His brother stole from people close to him on a drug/alcohol binge, and landed in detox which will be followed by rehab. The texts say he's focused on doing what's best for his brother's recovery, and he looks to my recovery with admiration and respect.

I felt pride and shame at the same time. That's common for me lately. Most texts I read, I check if there could be any hidden spite. I calculate the odds that despite what they are saying, they still hate me. I view everything that people say to me through the lens that I have done something worthy of ridicule and shame, and I cannot trust them to be upfront about what they want from me. I fear that they will somehow find out about the "real" me with mistakes and issues, and passively let me know that they know. They will punish me for being my authentic self.

So I will continue to work on those lingering negative mental processes in small parts. For now I think it's important that I don't try to "fix" my emotions, but welcome them with curiosity about what journey they've taken to reach me. I am reminded of my therapist nudging me to let go of viewing myself through a self-hating lens. I know that recovery from addictions and trauma is not a linear process, there will be ups and downs. I know that how I perceive the ups and downs relies on how grounded I feel and whether my mental state is slightly more positive or more negative. Is trust or fear the driving force behind my actions? It really feels like I am back at the beginning of when I stopped drinking, emotionally. Some of the thought processes are similar. I think that means that stopping porn involves another significant rewiring in my brain. The good news is, then, I'll feel another way after some time as long as I allow the uncomfortable feelings to exist.