> I think a lot of the issues are coming from the 1st chapter not being easy to follow/explained well.

I think its both confusing from a what is happening perspective and how it impacts Shay. I understood after the fact that it was about a car crash (at first I thought this was a fantasy story so I was REALLY thrown off with the rest of it lol). But even after I found out it was this pivotal car crash, it didn't *feel* pivotal because its not really brought back up ever. Even when the mother calls or Shay sees another crash, none of it is mentioned.

*I look at the phone. Cora's mom. I wish she'd stop calling. Not that I don't like her. She's sweet and funny and kind... but she also thinks me a murderer. She'll never say it, but I know it. It's in the little pauses every time she says Cora's name like she must brave through it; how she'll bring up the things Cora would've done at my age as if I stole the time...*

Right? Like just bring that stuff back. It's your main conflict. Use it

Hey thanks for the feedback, this is very helpful info across the board.Appreciate you taking the time to give your thoughts!

I think a lot of the issues are coming from the 1st chapter not being easy to follow/explained well. It's supposed to be the night of a car crash where Cora dies and Shay is having a vision of her "leaving". (Also Shay is a guy haha, so I will probably change the spelling of the name if this wasn't clear)

Then the short ch 2 is probably uncessary and not really a scene, more of a floating head giving context to ch 1. You are probably correct in that it's uncesseary and I could do a better job w. Ch 1 by itself. Ch 3 is the story "starting" 6 months later and dropping us into the world.

The story gets going a few chapters after this but I will take the advice to speed it up and get to the central point/story a bit quicker to make the hook stronger. There's a definite reason behind the scenes I wrote in ch 3 but I totally get your point that it comes across as 

First off, congrats on finishing your first manuscript. That's a huge accomplishment by itself and you should feel proud of that! Having said that, I didn't really like the piece you put here and I hope I can explain why productively.

---

**PROSE**

**Bad Metaphors**

I disliked most the metaphors in your story. I'll pick a few and talk about why.

> I leaned against a wobbly, orange, traffic cone with the wavering conviction of a monk deep in thoughts of abdication

Wavering conviction of a monk deep in thoughts of abdication? That sure is a mouthful and what does it even mean? Monks are known for having high conviction. But you describe this one as wavering. So a doubtful monk? Does that mean he's wavering a regular amount or a lesser amount given its a monk? I have no idea.

My point being, this comparison doesn't add to the **clarity** of the sentence but instead detracts from it. It feels like something you threw in to show off your writing ability but only achieved the opposite

No problem, and glad to hear you found something helpful in my ramblings!

And sounds promising re. the main plot. One the one hand, I'm tempted to suggest making it clearer she died (?) in a car crash, since that would immediately give a lot more meaning and context to the Jeep girl and driving through the snow. On the other hand, I kind of like stringing out the mystery of what happened and whether she's dead or not too.

That other connecting plot should probably make an appearance sooner rather than later too, which axing chapter 2 might also help with...

Looking forward to seeing future part(s) here if you decide to post them, and best of luck editing either way!

(And forgive me the "in general I wanted to cut a lot of words in general", just noticed that one. All I can say in my defense is that it was late and I was a little tired, but still not a good look to make that kind of mistake while going on about word economy, haha)

Thanks so much for taking the time out of your day to give this a read and to provide super helpful feedback. For someone just starting out, this kind of critique is exactly what I was hoping to receive. I'm delighted that you there were some parts of the story you enjoyed, and even more delighted for the equal amount of feedback/constructive criticism.

One big takeaway is that I should probably axe chapter 2 entirely as it's a bit useless. Maybe I'll steal a sentence or two and repurpose it later. 

I've given it some thought and I think the story is better served starting with a completely reworked chapter 3 as the opener to the novel, and saving CH 1 for later on as a standalone reworked piece (flashback/vision type), or sprinkled in throughout as exposition/tension.

&#x200B;

>Maybe the whole thing really is about Shay being disgruntled at work and listless in life. But again, the fact that we’re shown this whole disappearance as an intro and the weird, maybe-literal maybe-not va

**Pacing**

Chapter 1 manages to feel slow even if it’s both short and dramatic. Partly due to the prose and partly by design, I think? The vagueness doesn’t help, since I keep waiting for something I can make sense of to happen. Again, the religion aside in the very beginning also slows us way down at a crucial moment where you’re trying to gain the reader’s attention and trust.

Chapter 2 is a big speed bump, as mentioned above.

The main chapter 3 is uneven but slow-ish IMO. The conversations dragged a bit for me, especially the Janie one, since it felt like a lot of mundane chit-chat without enough to subtext to keep it interesting. (More on this later.) The more action-y parts (for lack of a better word, where the MC does stuff alone) were better, but still plagued by seemingly pointless asides, like the crashed Jeep.

Adding it up, we spend so much time on this stuff. At times it almost feels more like a flash fiction collection of unrelated shorts rather than a novel. Again, I l

**Overall**

I like that this piece wants to be something. It has a voice, it goes for flourish rather than boring but functional, and at its best it has some fun little sparkles of weirdness. On the more critical side, it feels unfocused, and it has major efficiency issues. Or more bluntly: there’s a lot of fat to trim. Both in terms of prose and in terms of why the narration is showing us the stuff it does.

I want to like this, and I feel like I’m well along the way to liking this, but right now it dips more into frustrating. Still, I’m curious where this goes...or if it goes anywhere at all. I hope the other critique is wrong, and that it’s going to be more than “disillusioned office worker” for the duration of the 80k.

**Prose**

The style is clearly more literary-influenced than Brandon Sanderson utilitarian, which I like in principle. My problem is that it’s overshooting the mark IMO. Unlike the other critique, I don’t mind the “frowning sideways half-moon” line in itself, but 

Hi all. This is my first time posting anything here so have at it. By all means, rip it to shreds if you're in the mood. The submission is 2 short intro chapters followed by the true main 1st chapter. Let me know if this format works or not, I'm on the fence. This sequence is the opening 3 parts of a first draft of an 80k novel which I recently finished - my first time writing anything seriously like this. 

Have fun - hope you enjoy it!

Story Link: [Story](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T9PXS65U8Iyg9zsfvrOkK3HQqtivcX2Ijus9TCw-_X4/edit)

Crit: [\[2598\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/wz79yy/comment/inauu0a/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[2498] Readings from a One Trick Pony