Source
r/OCPoetry•
RomanCC-777

The Outside

Poem

As I walk these familiar paths,

Back to my car,

Alone,

I can’t help but look around me.

I see the smiles,

The people all fluttering around,

Voices raised excitedly.

And yet my world is muted,

As though I’m seeing it all through glass.

I see them all together,

I see the smiles and the joy,

And I wonder what that’s like.

I remember when I felt infinite,

When I felt like everything was falling into place.

I was finally on the inside.

And then it all fell apart,

And I realized

I had been seeing it wrong the entire time;

I was on the outside looking in

The whole time.

So as I walk alone,

Back to my car in the cold,

I look around and see into a world

I can never be a part of.

And I keep walking in the outside.

Feedback 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xen4ud/you_are_the_celestial/iokwkz2/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

Feedback 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xf3h0g/let_my_soul_be_baptized_in_your_beauty/iokva1s/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

Posted Sep 15, 2022, 9:00 PM UTC

23
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1
Unboxedcontent•

Hi Roman, enjoyed the Poem. I do have a critique though. It’s a bit wordy.

“As I walk these familiar paths back to my car alone.

I can’t help but look around me.

I see the smiles, people all fluttering around, voices raised excitedly.”
—-

Here my suggestion, remove words that don’t add value.

I’ve tried not to change your work, but only remove unnecessary words that don’t add value.

“Alone I walk these familiar paths to my car, I can’t help but look around.

The smiles and people fluttering, voices raised excitedly.”

—-

Keep them coming!

1
kd5407•

I really relate to this. I like how you are sort of switching back and forth between reality (it’s cold, you’re walking back to your car), and the thoughts In your head. I think you should add even more contrast there.

I also think you could switch up the meter a little bit. Even as someone who also likes to right very short staccato rapid fire type lines, I try to switch up which lines get fully ‘filled out’ and which don’t, depending on what I’m trying to emphasize.

1