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flight over the amazon

Poem

the sun completes its day's work between pink cotton candy clouds

the snakes and slopes of the rivers fill up with orange and red gradients

red blinks the wing's light to the rhythm of nothing

rivaling the lightnings flashing the darkening forests

rivaling the stars taking over the sun's stage

little jungle cities float like galaxies in the infinite nothing

like lighthouses on islands in the deep black sea

like lampposts guiding the way through dark alleys for lost travellers

you held me in your arms just a moment ago

you told me it was gonna be fine

you told me i have to go

i'll feel the warmth of connections and the coldness of being alone

i'll feel the scalding burn of being seen and the chilling breeze of being on my own

i'll feel the blinding brightness of the lighthouses and the all-consuming emptiness of the abyss

'mantengan encendida una luz que siempre voy a volver'

and i know i'll have stories to tell

feedback 1

feedback 2

wrote this yesterday on a flight from ecuador to brazil over the amazon rainforest at nightfall. I do not claim it's good, but I want to get better at this, and I figured I should get out of my comfort zone and share this and get some feedback, maybe even a bit of harsh, honest critique. thanks!

Posted Sep 23, 2022, 4:34 PM UTC · edited

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1
ThinkSimpleStupid•

The only line I'd change is "You held me" to "you told me" to keep the poems structure uniform. Other than that I found it be a lovely poem creating images in my head as I read along.

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LorineOcto•

This is beautiful! I really enjoy the emotional ambience to the whole piece.

But since you want feedback let's dig in a little. Every stanza is actually very very good, I think, except for the first 2. They don't seem to go well with the rest. They don't have the same feel, and don't do a good job of setting up the rest of the poem.

I think it mostly has to do with word choice. These 2 stanzas just feel a little disjointed. I like the imagery, I like starting the poem with the sun going down. It just needs a little rework.

The only other way I can explain it would be for you to read stanzas 3 through 6, and then try writing the beginning from that space or feeling you have from the rest.

I hope that makes sense. Thanks for sharing! I've read this a few times now and I like more each time.

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