Death did us apart

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

I really like the overall theme and tone. I get the feeling of longing and pain with a bittersweet joy of the character reunited with their love.

At first I thought it was from the point of view of death, greeting their new lover. Maybe some slight alterations could give this impression, or at least make it more ambiguous whether it's death speaking or the mortal lover. I think that would be really powerful.

You have some really strong lines like, "the door opens up, the light shining through", and "how could you give in?" Which gives depth to the characters implying there's a back story. But then also some weaker ones that feel like you forced them in just for the rhyme, like, "I cursed at this grim sense". I think if you cut some of those out it would feel more poignant.

Overall I think you're really close to a great poem. A few tweaks to improve poignancy and flow and you're there!

"Walking to the door... A knock on the door" Unnecessary. So many lines could be cut.

Also, the rhymes are very bad. Your reader should come out of the poem barely having realized it rhymed, not feeling punched by simple, obvious rhymes.

I've never seen someone say "my cheeks are so plump" to imply smiling really hard. It sounds silly and like you forced it so something could rhyme with the "up" from earlier.

Anyway, keep writing--you will get better. <3