Source
r/OCPoetry•
cakeforbreakfast_

Moon Walker

Poem

You never gave a care

Always walking around

Always laughing with others

Long hair flowed down your back

It suited you

But you cut it off at a whim

Smiling that you’d do it again when it grew

Along on your adventures I came

with cold feet that only you could force to warm

I remember like it was yesterday

How we climbed up the hill above the Ochlocknee

The cicadas cried for me as I looked below in terror

But you gripped my hand, leaping forward into the

great unknown with me dragging right behind you

Our bodies soon hit the chilling water

And we popped up laughing until we cramped

I knew you could do anything

Never a doubt in my mind

You could walk the moon if you put your mind to it

I knew you could

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xra049/he_dreamt_of_strangers/iqfwhnv/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xrkezx/d_i_s_s_o_c_i_a_t_i_o_n/iqfxll1/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

Posted Sep 30, 2022, 1:19 AM UTC

24
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1
AsleepPerformer1391•

I could hear the adoration and love for someone the person is or was infatuated with. I loved it.

1
SamSkiSki•

With the title being the moon line i think this poem would really flow if it alluded to the night more

1
Silly-Equipment-9219•

You never gave a care

Always walking around

Always laughing with others

...Maybe it's just me but I find these 3 lines unnecessary. They are a lot of words used to say very little. And I'd cut them especially because they're the beginning lines. You need to open strongly to gain the reader's attention. "Long hair..." would be a perfect opener.

"at a whim" I think you mean on a whim! <3

This poem needs a little more imagery and less fat. Describe Ochlocknee for us. Cut out "force to warm". (Make it just "warm".) Introduce sensations and poetic techniques like simile, alliteration, etc., to energize the poem. (Totally fine if you don't feel prepared as a poet to do that just yet. It's just a general tip.)

Honestly, despite the qualities that would generally weaken a poem being present here, I couldn't help but smile when I finished reading this. It made me miss someone. The pure awe expressed--I can practically see the speaker's heart-eyes sparkling--warmed my heart. Enjoyed this a lot. Keep writing!

1