Awesome! I think your portrayal of her as a pest to him is great metaphor, and there’s much you can do with it. Keep it up!!

>Thanks for this. The other "activities" that I listed were meant to show her other behaviors. It wasn't supposed to be concentrated on "being stuck." I don't mind getting rid of the buzzing, but the cracks are very important to me because they show that she was attracted to him despite his cruelty.

I like this, the idea that she is literally much smaller than him, swatted away cruelly, is good imagery. Although I think her movement is a little disorienting: she’s trapped at the bottom, then she’s buzzing, then finding her way through cracks (as though digging through the bottom rather than flying her way out through the top?) these are all fly things to do, but I think you could stick with her being trapped and have effective metaphor there because she’s literally stuck, and his response of disgust to finding a fly in his drink would be palpable and obvious (rather than just an annoyance at the sound)

Hmm interesting! He has an unrealistic fantasy of relationships and expects barbie doll / stepford wife like perfection but when this was dissolved you became like a disgusting pest he had to hide and quickly dispose of - diss associate  himself with so it doesn’t tarnish his image or imaginings. That’s what I get from it I like how you wrote it kind of kept me wondering what was happening and light enough metaphor to carry the heavy subject matter

This is a very intriguing piece on the tension between people in a relationship. Loved it!!

Yeah, compared to the post, this is way more clear to me as a reader!

What about this:

&#x200B;

She was a fly trapped inside a dirty coffee cup.  
He took his coffee sweetened,   
so her legs stuck to the bottom.   
  
She was a fly that he had to get rid of.   
The dirt she rubbed off her limbs  
irritating perseverance.  
  
She stayed   
attracted to the fleeting light of his eyes.  
  
Her wings were stories of past exaltations,   
glued together    
  
He slapped them with a magazine   
full of smiling faces and happy-endings.   
  
She became a stain on the painful whiteness of the cup.   
  
They say that hope dies last.

Nice poem! Good use of metaphor and the initial premise/ image strings the whole poem together. I also enjoyed the simplicity of the poem's concept: the man, the fly (woman) and the coffee cup. You add details and explore this, which is great, but I think you veer too far from to the original premise. I  have to second the feedback that u/Bomep made, the jumping of scenes is sporadic and not linked together enough: from the bottom of the cup, to the "wherever she sat" (?), to  finding her ways through cracks, then slapping of the magazines. I think by reworking this poem you can still keep the symbolism and meaning as well as enhancing its coherency.

The line: "She was a fly that he had to get rid of." is a lot of show not tell and quite elongated. I would get rid of it and reintegrate this meaning to the first line, through an amendment: "She was a fly trapped inside a finished coffee cup.". I think this is a subtle way to get the meaning across by using a purposeful adjective. The c


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Hearing this makes me think of how a fly is annoying. But, we think flies are annoying but the fly is just doing what it does: buzzing around. 

We just don't understand the purpose of their buzzing because we do not speak their language. 

&#x200B;

10/10.

She was a fly trapped inside a dirty coffee cup. 

He took his coffee sweetened,  

so her legs stuck to the bottom.   

&amp;#x200B;

She was a fly that he had to get rid of.  

Wherever she sat, she rubbed the dirt off her legs

and the constant buzzing kept him awake.  

&amp;#x200B;

She found her way in through every little crack

attracted to the fleeting light of his eyes.  

&amp;#x200B;

Her wings were never-ending stories of past exaltations.

&amp;#x200B;

He slapped them with a magazine

full of smiling faces and happy-endings.   

&amp;#x200B;

She became a stain on the painful whiteness of the cup.   

&amp;#x200B;

They say that hope dies last. 

&amp;#x200B;

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xrkezx/d\_i\_s\_s\_o\_c\_i\_a\_t\_i\_o\_n/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xrkezx/d_i_s_s_o_c_i_a_t_i_o_n/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xruqq9/actress/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xruqq9/actress/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

Coffee cup