Can I ping you too? I'm an amateur but I want to know where to start my much mprovements on. So I need a guide.  If you will, you can guide me.

To be honest, my critiques usually are focused more on craft and less on meaning, so I didn't put a huge amount of effort into strict interpretation. I did pick up on the sense of danger/vulnerability, but read it more as a suggestion of abuse.  

I'm glad you found my commentary useful, and you're not coming across as defensive at all. Feel free to ping me when you have something else ready for critique, I'm happy to look.

Omg what! I actually thought the bad thing about this poem was that it's meaning is way too obvious! I will have to think about what you said and try to make it more coherent. (I'll explain it, if that helps. It's just about the intrusive thoughts that one has when they're around something as precious as a new-born baby. The way the world rearranges itself into a maze of terrors... How even a baby bed can hurt it, etc...) Ew I feel pretentious explaining a poem haha. 

Anyway, yeah pink really might be unnecessary, but I wanted to keep "terrible" because of its double meaning. As in, the mother's a bad person for stealing, but also she is bad at stealing, and the next line clarifies why: she's doing it in broad daylight. But yes, mundane--I agree. I kinda deleted the line and put it back in a bunch of times. But I'll settle on deleting it now. And I totally agree about everything you said about the guillotine line. 

"I find these to be the most interesting and successful lines in the 

>When my niece was born, I grimaced.  

Effective opening—clear, specific, and interesting.  

>Her mother kissed her pink cheek like a terrible thief—  

"Pink" and "terrible" are perhaps unnecessary, "terrible" moreso than pink due to its overstatement. I like the assonance of kiss/pink/cheek/thief enough that I'm willing to let pink go, although it works as well without. "Kissed... like a thief" is interesting, and continues the subversion of expectation, as we typically don't associate birth with grimaces and theft.  

>A robbery in broad daylight.  

I'm not sure this is adding a ton to the poem, and "broad daylight" feels a bit mundane. "Robbery" is sort of just a restatement of the theft; that is, this line hasn't added more detail, nor has it clarified how the kiss is like a robbery.  

>When she laid her on it,  
>I thought the wooden cradle was a guillotine.  

"it" as a line ending may not be working particularly well; the syntax is just a little awkward. I think a bit more 

Haha I don't know the word for it either, but that *is* pretty cool. 

I very much agree with that it could be more subtle. I've already improved some things in that area. (maybe I'll edit them into the post, but I'm not sure.)

Anyway, thank you so much. Appreciate it. <3

First off, I love the title - for some reason, my brain immediately went to "white lies," which I think is cool (don't know the word for it), but you know what I mean. 

I feel like the dichotomy between violence & a newborn - the terrible thief, a robbery. a guillotine is interesting but could be more subtle. In my opinion, I think the first stanza would be more powerful without the robbery line "When my niece was born, I grimaced. Her mother kissed her pink cheek like a terrible thief. When she laid her on it,  
I thought the wooden cradle was a guillotine." 

"every heart was less heart" is one of the most beautiful lines I've read in a long time. chills.

Finally someone said it! It never is how you intend it. It almost discouraged me from posting

No cuz why is trying to space things aesthetically on reddit hell? the post looks so ugly--

Thank you so, so much. I think you got it quite right. :) <3

This poem is excellent, in that the imagery is intriguing. "wilted white lilies," is the line that sticks with me the most. It feels as if life and death are intertwined in your lines. I've got my own interpretation, but I'd rather keep it to myself.

The key for me is that the event of this poem should be joyous. And yet they're not. Nicely done, my friend.

reading your poem before and after reading your explanation of what the poem meant to you was a really cool experience. at first when i read it though i was imagining you resenting your niece for being born or maybe even being jealous of her but now that i know what the meaning is it makes a lot more sense. your use of objects and ideas made to juxtapose things that seem so innocent to things that are morose reminds me a lot of william blake’s poetry.


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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This line is the best part of the poem for me,  

“… every heart became less heart and more the size of it:”

but it’s embarrassing for me to admit that because I’m not even sure what it means. And I don’t entirely know why I like it so much. In fact, that’s my whole experience with this poem in general, very enigmatic but fun to think about. That poor baby though. Sleeping under a guillotine? Even the mother’s loving touch leaves a bruise? And interesting how ”you” grimaced at the start there but then revealed that you also wanted to touch the baby with your hands that were “charged with love.” What I truly have no clue about is how white lilies play into this. Is there some association between babies and this flower that I just don’t know about? That kind off took me out of the poem a bit. But other than that I really like like it! Thanks for sharing!

I loved this so much.. the imagery is so beautifull and  it's so wonderfull to read.

What is does is take me down memory lane when my own niece was born. All this made reminisce of all the wonderfully and the scary moments we've had since her birth.

I like the use line the compared the crib to a guillotine... reminds me of how i worried of such a sensitive little thing being hurt by just the most absurd and random things 

It's so beautifull❤️❤️❤️

showstoppers sensational spectacular morw of this pls


When my niece was born, I grimaced. 


Her mother kissed her cheek like a thief.


When she laid her on the wooden cradle,


it looked like a guillotine.


__

When my niece was born, every heart became less heart


and more the size of it:


A clenched fist beating


around the bush that offered


wilted white lilies.


__

My hands, charged with love,


reached out to wipe the sweat on her brow.


On blushing baby skin, fingerprints burned


a bruise.


____

[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xs6nwy/after_the_quarreling/iqki3h0/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3) | [2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xrohy8/moon_walker/iqkm7tj/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3)

The White Lilies