Great Purpose

Trigger Warning, Self Harm

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I always dreamed I’d been

Born for some great purpose

But I gave up on that dream

2 years ago

When my wrists began to open

Because it wasn’t enough to just scream

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When the boiling within my veins grew too hot

And I longed for nothing but release

Fully, totally, released

Free.

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And so the disturbing distortion of my voice

Denoted my self hatred and inability to sleep

The ever cracking ratchet of my passion

Turning itself to the flow of blood and jealousy

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“I wish I could be like them”

“I wish I could look like her”

“I wish” became my self absorbed mantra

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What do I want

And what can I never have

How can I turn my jealousy to hatred

And then open my veins

Because there’s nothing else to do with it

Because there’s nobody else to hate

But myself

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And I would long to cry

Produce great racking sobs

But eyes remained dry

Because I couldn’t stand to be human as I was

I wanted to be more

I wanted to be her.

And to cry would give me that humanity that I didn’t deserve

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And so in anger blood would flow all the same

And toxic beverages became my elixir

For to feel was to feel pain

To feel was to feel wrong

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And it felt pathetic.

So I abandoned it

Let everyone I loved become my vices

Let everyone I loved see how I was hurting

And showed them why they couldn’t fix me

And gave them a reason to never want to

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And once again wrists opened

This time, in guilt.

For no matter what I do

It always ends in the flow of crimson

It always ends in my own self hatred

Because there’s nothing else to me

But hatred, and pathetic, self-pity

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