Yeah, I kinda got a sense of that too, it'd be really hard to add or remove anything here without messing with the whole thing. At the very least, I definitely did enjoy this and wish you luck in your other writing endeavors!

Very glad to read this.

I think your critique has a good idea. It could be improving to add more, but I wouldn't know how to, actually. You know when things marry inside and the whole idea is formed and you just need to lay it out faithfully to the inspiration? That's the case here. If I added or subtracted something it would be untrue to the inspiration, you know... Maybe it would be beneficial to its structure, but would be detrimental to my personal reasons.

It's good to know my expressed mushy feelings were appreaciated by someone else. Thank you for letting me know it.

It is mushy but I quite like it. I think you do a good job of capturing some of the feelings of being in a very long-distance relationship. It feels almost insurmountable and seems like it would take the whim of the gods themselves for you two to actually be in the same space together. I love this peaceful image of you just being with that person, just sitting with them and enjoying each other's company. If I had any critiques, I'd say maybe lean into the mushiness a little and give us a little more detail here. Maybe add some specific details at the beginning to help us know the speaker of the poem and who they're longing to be with. That might help make it feel less overtly mushy and maybe more genuinely loving and affectionate. That being said, I do think it is a fine poem as-is. I'd just play around with it some and see if adding in any more context helps or not.

noo i meant the stuff like rhythym, etc hahahah but i like the privacy of the title

you’re welcome!

Oh, I'm happy to read this.

If you mean the terminology of the title, I say to not worry about your nescience to it. I'm the only one to know its meaning.

To know it's relatable makes it worthy of existence.

I'll try to keep on. Thank you very much.

(yeah, sharing it renders you insecure, though. wanted to let people know i'm not clueless. you're totally right, nevertheless)

i’m a sucker for a good love poem and i really enjoyed this one!

i’m a little rusty on the terminology because i haven’t visited this sub in ages but the whole piece reads very nicely. when a rhythm is this consistent it works like magic.

the first four lines are striking, i appreciate the dramatic imagery and wouldn’t have it any other way. anyone who’s been in love relates to the immensity of the feeling, you were creative and succinct in your depiction of it.

however my favorite thing about this poem is the tenderness of the tiny fawn in the lover’s hands. even before the final line, where the nature of this poem is directly expressed, the reader knows what they’re supposed to feel.

bookmarking this! keep up the good work :)

eta. on the mushiness: there’s nothing wrong with being mushy if that’s how you feel. a poem is only good when it’s honest.


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

if the stars aligned

winds interceded

gods intervened

distances submitted

and you were to reach out to me

like a tiny fawn on your hands i'd sit

and you could pet me any way you'd please

i'd say "she's mine", and you'd say "i am his".



(p.s.: I know it's mushy)

-//-

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xufitx/random_poem/iqvp2c9?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share&amp;context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/xupg35/grow/iqwtmoc?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share&amp;context=3

GRAOEGI