As I stare up to the blue abyss
The quiet waltz of the leaves amuses me.
Pages fall from the tip of my pen like bones grinding into dust,
Echoing the sweet songs of my delicate past
Notes swirl in my brain with rhythmic perfection
Each step stabs it's presence into my emotions
Suddenly, a shiver!
Gray clouds part to make way for the coming winter
As I stare up to the blue abyss
I watch the quiet waltz of the leaves
Posted Oct 13, 2022, 4:05 PM UTC · edited
I also enjoyed the rhythm and imagery throughput only stumbling at the ‘like bones grinding into dust’.
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Hi! First off great title and line in general; “Waltz of the leaves” is really solid as an image. I think the rest of your poem is solid as well, each line clearly serves a purpose and is absolutely necessary to the poem. Likewise I felt the rhythm of the poem was solid start to finish, outside of “Suddenly, a shiver!” Though I can glean that it’s intentional and adds an extra layer to your poem, preventing it from feeling flat.
There were some small things I noticed that could just be typos, but in the second line I think it should be amuses, not amuse. And the second to last line you wrote stared, but I think you may have meant to write stare, otherwise that line is in a different tense than the rest of the poem.
My only other point of criticism is that a couple of the phrases you used felt a bit cliché, namely “Notes swirl […] rhythmic perfection” and “blue abyss”. Now this may just be me personally, but I feel that the poem could be enhanced by possibly changing these phrases, conjure a similar image but one that feels maybe more personal to you. But I’m really not saying these are bad lines, they are good. It just feels like I’ve heard these lines before.
Overall, I think this is a good poem. It feels deliberate in a good way, the imagery you use works well to craft a vivid scene, and the whole poem has a solid rhythm to it.
Edit: another thing you may consider is replacing the first “waltz of the leaves” line with something else. That line is really really strong and would be powerful kept to the end of the poem. Writing it twice seems to take away a bit of the power of the line the second time. Unless you’re going for more of a repetition of this line, in which case I’d consider making the two “waltz of the leaves” lines more similar or adding another in the middle of the poem.
Thank you for your words and wonderful feedback. I can't believe I missed a typo lol.
I like amuse there better personally. I don’t know if either would be incorrect grammatically. Rhythm wise I don’t know which is required as I have no grasp of it but I thought it sounds better as amuse. As in many waltz’s are occurring among the leaves and their partners in a grand waltz. Just my take but that’s what I thought you were going for.