Who is truly awake?

Who is truly awake?

This feeling of waking up, a tightness around my throat, a pain only felt for a few seconds before saturating my thirst with a stale bottle of water, seeing a light in the room, this looming grey light in the corner of my eye. The TV says no signal, but I am the one who is genuinely disconnected, I am the one who sits there not showing emotion. Going to the bathroom not shutting my eyes when the sharp white light turns on, but instead letting my eyes kindle, staring at the mirror and hating everything about myself. This overriding emotion hits as if I’m not loved anymore, as if I am alone in this world, as if I want everything to be one long dream. But truly life isn’t bad, I am alone, I am forgotten, I am not loved, and frankly, I do not care. It’s ok to be by yourself, it’s ok to not have anyone to be beside you, and it’s ok to show emotion. As I walk back to my room I understand this, but this forces me to let my well-built wall down. I let go of this frigid man that people see, and the only people that get to see this person that I am under the wall is the real me, and this other man, this disgusting, sad, sadistic man. I think of every girl that has ever hurt me, I think of every bully that has ever pushed me, I think of every time that I let my family down, and I think of every time I was disappointed. Because isn’t that what life is, a constant circle of endless disappointment? Aren’t you tired of being disappointed? Aren’t you tired of living the same day over and over? Why not wake up from this dream? Why not seize the day? Why not answer these questions? Are you scared of being wrong? Are you scared that if one thing changes your beloved schedule your entire life falls apart? Are you scared that this might not be a dream? Are you scared that you don’t know how to seize a day? All of these constructs run through my head, wondering if these tears will have any effect on anything major. They won’t, waking up early is a waste of time, but I know this, so why am I awake? What is early? What is late? What is night? What is day? What is life?

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https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/yc0b17/a_devils_lament/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/yc3lzb/this_and_that/