Dear Me
CW: emotional trauma, suicidality, divorce
If I could visit my younger self I would go back to the day when I realized
my parent's marriage was over
when that dark cloud of anxiety and sadness became a permanent fixture of myself
To the moment when I felt my world falling apart
When I convinced myself if I prayed a hundred times, it wouldn't happen
To when my laugh became a rare sound because I was preoccupied with fear
Like being stalked by a lion and knowing soon you'll be destroyed
To when my innocence died and I was catapulted into a new reality
One that would include the death of my childhood, and the parents I knew
When I lived in a permanent state of isolation
Devoted to keeping my reality a secret
Feigning normality
As if that would correct its course
To when I marveled over a butterfly under a blue sky
And felt a sense of relief for the first time
To when the clock was ticking, a time bomb waiting to go off
To destroy our reality, one without constant pain, worry, and chaos
To when I could drop a fork and my dad would scream relentlessly
To when all of my needs were being unmet
To ask for anything was like
asking for a precious gem
Outrageous and selfish
And to my younger self, I would give her the solace
of companionship and care
I would be the mother she was losing right before her eyes
Rub her back during her panic attacks
When she didn't know what it was, probably a heart attack
I would kiss her forehead after she overheard her parents fight
Hold her tight the night her dad tried to smash her over the head with an ottoman
After she was called a bitch
And embarrassed for being on her period
As if that was the cause of her mood swings, not the depression and anxiety caused by chronic emotional neglect and abuse
I wouldn't say "it will get better soon", that wouldn't be true
But I would let her know she wouldn't have to get through it all alone
That it's okay to talk about her feelings, to ask for help, to not be okay
I would tell her her prayers weren't the only ones being unanswered
And that wasn't her fault
That she isn't responsible for keeping her dad from killing himself
That her mom shouldn't be out drinking when she's home alone
That it's okay to worry and call too many times when she was MIA `
To hate her alcoholic boyfriend and to let her know
I would love her and nurture her in all the ways she wasn't
In all the ways she desperately needed
I'd say
It's okay to not be okay
and to show it
To not bear it all alone
To have needs
and to fall apart when they are unmet
Posted Oct 26, 2022, 10:27 PM UTC · edited