Source
r/raisedbynarcissists•
anonny42357

Gilmore girls, and other examples of narcissism being passed off as comedy in popular media

Spoiler[Question]

Spoiler alert, if you haven't watched Gilmore girls, and you want to, then don't read this. It's all spoilers.

So I recently watched Gilmore Girls. Decent show. Low stress, low drama, mostly just cute fun, except for one glaring issue that really rubbed me the wrong way. The grandmother, Emily

Context for those that aren't into watching 20 year old TV shows: main character (Lorelai) gets knocked up at 16, runs away from her rich family because they're the worst, and goes NC for 16 years, during which time she works at a hotel to support her daughter (Rory, other main character) and she does pretty well for herself, considering her awful upbringing.

In the first episode it's clear that Emily is a queen narcissist, and Richard (grandfather) is an enabler. She only agreed to loan money to Lorelai if Lorelai agrees to put up with her shit once per week at Friday night dinner. She gives zero fucks if the money is going towards brightening the future of Rory. She just wants to drag Lorelai back under her control, and frequently holds the money over her head, while being abusive AF during dinner, and the 800 other meddlesome things she does just to fuck with Lorelai's life. At several of these dinners, they harass Rory and/or Lorelai's boyfriends for reasons boiling down to their being poor or not good enough. Rory becomes the golden child to Lorelai's scapegoat.

Once Rory graduates valedictorian, she needs to borrow more money to go to Yale, because she can't get loans, because Emily is loaded. Instead of being happy for her kid getting into fucking Yale, she sinks her talons in even further. They also buy her a car, because she's supposed I drive her ass back to Emily's for weekly dinners.

At one point Rory gets burnt out and ends up living in the pool house. Emily insists on redoing the whole thing in a way that she thinks Rory like, without her input. She straight up dresses Rory like a doll, and dictates her seasonal wardrobe. She makes her work at her stupid rich old lady club. One day Rory, who is 20 at this point, is having sex with her long term boyfriend, and Emily finds out. She moves all of Rory's crap into a bedroom in the main house in close proximity to her own room, and calls a priest to talk to her about her "special gift". She completely takes over her 21st birthday, and essentially gives Rory no say. One day Rory does something that Emily disapproves of, so Emily snaps at her. Rory grows a spine and tells her off, and Emily screams "wait til your father hears about this!" The father in question is clearly the grandfather, and it finally becomes clear for the dumb kids in the room that Emily has just transferred her need to control her daughter onto her grandkid. She was that desperate for control.

Every interaction with Emily is textbook narcissism, but it's just brushed off as LOLZ, THAT'S MOM, she's like so terrible.

The reboot shows that Emily has become even more neurotic and controlling after her husband dies, and, 16 years after the start of the original show, she's learned absolutely nothing about how her behaviour affects everyone. She tries to go to therapy with Lorelai, and it becomes about scoring points instead of fixing things. WHY DO THE YOUNGER TWO STILL SPEAK TO HER?

If Lorelai or Rory had detailed half the shit that Emily did, everyone in this sub would be telling her to go NC, but magic TV execs seem to think this behaviour is A-OK.

Why are Narcs at portrayed as quirky bitches. Why are they tolerated? Why do people think it's funny?

Posted Nov 4, 2022, 1:34 AM UTC

10027
supercyberlurker•

Sometimes I'm watching Bollywood movies and the 'good guy' just kind of casually slap a woman. I'm shocked of course, because in America slapping a woman instantly defines that character as 'a bad guy' I watch old James Bonds from the 60's, and he's just kind of slapping her on the ass in public and saying 'man talk'.

Over time, I think we realized those things weren't appropriate. We realized slapping your children if they talk back is actually abuse, we began to recognize other signs of abuse too.

Society has not yet caught up to narc abuse. It's barely on the radar. Also it's difficult because by the very nature of it the abuser will never admit to it and there's not physical bruises to prove anything after.

39
anonny42357OP•

This is all very true

10
ConcreteKeys•

Narc abuse is complicated because it's manipulative. People want to feel like they can read others, but we only read people based off of what we have been exposed to. We haven't been exposed to every form of manipulation that exists! So it's easy for narcs to convince others they are the victim so they can continue the abuse.

8
Kavik_79•

First off, I must admit I haven't watched that show since watching it on air....and i can't swear I watched it all the way through.....

But, I don't remember the grandmother's BS being portrayed that way at all. I remember it being one of the major drama points of the show, not part of the comic relief.

I don't know if time is just twisting my perception of it, or if I was just lucky enough to be able to see through that kind of crap at an early age and that caused me to interpret it differently....but now I'm curious. Not curious enough to go rewatch it LOL but curious what others will have to say.

Do see your point as it applies to other shows...but it's not uncommon in comedy. We make jokes about all sorts of shitty things...not to glorify them, or because they aren't serious, but as a way of coping with them....making light of it to take away some of their power over us.

In this way we can laugh at them, not with them. Not because they're humorous, but because we can recognize the ridiculousness of it when they're laid bare before us.

26
anonny42357OP•

True. Maybe I was extra harsh on Emily because of my own Narc childhood, but she just seemed awful.

BTW, the part about grandpa being dead in the reboot isn't really a spoiler. The actual actor did die from a heart attack.

9
KatEganCroi•

I totally get where you’re coming from my eldest daughter and I used to say that she was Rory I was Lorelai and my NMom was definitely Emily only Emily was nicer and less abusive. My nMom used to say she just couldn’t get into the show because she found Lorelai to be a horrible person who was never thankful for anything her mother did and I’d just 🙄.

Not much has changed with my nMom. Today she was going off on how parents are lazy about potty training their kids because my adopted grandson is 3 and not fully trained. Then goes on for the millionth time about how she had me completely potty trained by 9 months and there’s not a lot of people in therapy because of being taught to use a bathroom. I commented taught or forced? And I’m pretty sure there might be. Not that I’d tell her that I just realized I have quite a few issues like trying to make sure I didn’t have to go for days so I could avoid dealing with going but tell me again how forcing a 9 month old was a good thing.

Like Lorelai I’ve also made a few mistakes with my own kids because when you’re raised by a nparent you really have no clue how this is supposed to work. With my first kid my nMom was in complete control so my daughter was very much the golden child/assistant to the narcissist it took me a long time yo start getting healthy myself and unfortunately my kids did pay the price for having a broken mom and hopefully one day they’ll see I’ve made changes for the better.

4
ConcreteKeys•

I think they have to add humor here and there to make us want to watch the show. But I think the writers did convey how toxic Emily is.

15
ginger_momra•

Agreed. Watching Lorelai psyche herself up to face her parents every Friday always gave me anxiety as it was eerily similar to how I felt before visits with my narcissistic inlaws. The first major conflict in the series is that Lorelai could not afford the fancy private school Rory qualified for and rather than crush her daughter's academic dreams she swallows her pride and asked her estranged parents for help. Emily is smug and eager to use her money to finally exert control so the audience sees exactly what Lorelai ran away from at sixteen. The situation isn't funny at all, but the dialogue is full of quips and jokes as Rory and Lorelai try to navigate each evening with Emily. It's their coping mechanism.

11
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
skeeved_•

It’s funny, I was about Rory’s age when the series originally aired (target demo lol), having caught some reruns recently, came away with the opposite conclusion. Looking back, Lorelai was a massive narcissist, used the kid as an emotional support ferret, could never see anyone else’s perspective. Kinda felt a little bad for the grandparents.

14
rose_riveter•

Yeah, Lorelei is THE WORST. At first I thought it was just a cute, funny show that was about how to make a better life than your parents wanted for you.

But the way Lorelei was to LUKE. Here's this guy, owns a diner, has reasonable money but not endless supply, and he goes out of his way to fix/get her a new jeep because she has to have "a CUTE car!!" and it costs him big bucks and a lot of trouble. He then buys the house she wants, very grand, very expensive, legendary in town history, nothing else will do. This so that she will actually agree to MARRY a guy from a DINER.

He wants his mom's furniture in it, she totally turns up her nose at one set of antique furniture in her giant, grand, expensive house he's killing himself to pay for. His mom's furniture is ugly! Tacky! Eeyeww!

And ... He plays reggae in the car/truck when they're going somewhere and Lorelei HATES reggae!!

OK Lorelei, you hate reggae and antiques? You're an exploitative shit to a good guy that loves you because he is of a lower CLASS in your opinion? You're just born ENTITLED to receive things for free and then demand they be exactly the way YOU WANT? You're dead to me.

And yes, being vewwy best friends with your teenage daughter was so cringe I would just about throw things at the screen.

11
Beautiful-Living-•

Aaaand she instills in her baby since she could barely talk and walk that she needs to get into Harvard, not any Ivy school, it had to be Harvard because she wanted it! She was horrible to Luke and to Max…they both were doing super nice things for her, but it had to be exactly her way. She justified rejecting Max’s proposal because it wasn’t the way she imagined it (1000 daisies etc).

7
rose_riveter•

And then Rory goes to YALE (CIA, like the real life version of Slytherin) and is condescending and exploitative to the "lower class" kids that have the nerve to work on the same newspaper that she does, and then apparently ( I had stopped watching by then) spins out of control and fucks everything up. And I'm convinced that Amy Sherman pixie Paladino thinks she IS Lorelei and Lorelei is really cool and just SO relatable, amiright?

2
[deleted]•

Agreed. Emily was in no way perfect, but not a narcissist. Lorelei? Absolutely. Rory? Also quite possibility. Everyone on this show sucks. But I do think Emily tried her absolute best despite the way that SHE was raised and the expectations of her as a wife and mother in her socioeconomic status at the time. She loved Lorelei. She wanted the best for her. She wanted to support her and Rory, but Lorelei wouldn’t allow it. She was toxic in many ways, but not to the point of being a narcissist. I would have loved to have a mother like her compared to my own. She wanted to be a part of their lives so badly. She loved them. She paid for Rory’s high school and college (in exchange for a weekly dinner which I think is totally fair tbh). She supported Lorelei’s work even if she ever outright approved of her working in hospitality. She had functions there and hired her best friend as a chef on numerous occasions. She tried. Again, not perfect in anyway and I think everyone sucked. But she’s no worse than Lorelei or Rory. Better even.

10
No_will_4_life•

....ok I am say it all the characters except the grandpa were shit rory was entitled Loralie had bad emotion incest issues with rory using her as a best friend/partner and the grandma was controlling asf

10
conflictmuffin•

You are spot on with your write up! My grandmother is a total Emily... It always shocks my fiance every time she insults me. Example: She gave me a beautiful old sweater of hers and told me to try it on. She gasps and says 'oh, wow... It looked SO MUCH better on me!'. I just replied 'Merry Christmas to you too, grandma...' lol 🙄

8
Karinbby•

Claire from Modern Family also really rubs me the wrong way. "haha, she's such a control freak!"

While I don't think they portray her as a full blown narc, she goes against their children's wishes too often, and downplays it.

One of know off the top of my head when Haley had the twins, and was trying to be a good parent by following a book and some rules. Like no pacifiers. Then Claire had to babysit them for a day, babies cried, and what did she do to calm them down? Give them pacifiers.

Haley caught them going against her wishes and was pissed

Haley was pictured as 'the bad guy' that just had to 'let loose' a little.

Like what? No! You went against your child's wishes! On purpose!

I'm sure there are more examples

7
baconandegg101•

it's funny, because I think the total opposite and I've re-watched the show at least 30 times. on every rewatch it becomes more and more apparent that Lorelai is the narcissist with a huuuuuge victim complex. her relationship with her daughter is completely inappropriate (interesting how my n-mother would tell me repeatedly she wished we were more like Lorelai and Rory) and she's completely incapable of receiving feedback or having empathy for others. the mom/best friend line with her kid is so blurred and it's uncomfy. it's funny you said that narcs are portrayed as "funny bitches" on TV because that's literally Lorelei's character to a tee lmao

5
aristries•

I noticed this too. The moment she was introduced as a character I realized how toxic she was.

2
SmoothScaramouche•

Honestly? I see what you say, but i think it's just part of it.

Gilmore girls was my guilty pleasure twenty years ago (As in seriously, you wouldn't believe the amount of shit I took for watching it. Still no regrets). Haven't seen the new series, but might after all.

However, the way I saw it, it was they were all crazy as fuck. Emily was a toxic hag wicked witch of the west level. Lorelai was pushing forty and insisted on a manic pixie girl persona with which she struggled more and more as she grew older yet kept trying to live as if she were 20. And poor lil Rory had been the adult since she was like 8 prolly, and you could see within minutes that that kid wasn't alright, no matter how high her grades or how perfect her hair, not by a longshot.

And yet... In spite of each having their own baggage to carry, at the end of the day they genuinely care for each other, in their own ways. They were all fallible and failed characters, but still they tried. And since it's Hollywood they succeeded too.

But, you know, it's just TV. The general treatment of narcs ain't much worse than the one of guns, martial arts or physics, while we're at it.

It's more like reality-adjacent, if you will.

2
Facepalm_family•

In all fairness the relationship between Lorelei and Rory is also super unhealthy. The way she mistakes being a mom with being a friend is not cute.

2
P_Molinae•

Another example of a narc would be Livia Soprano (Tony's mother). She was a nightmare.

2
anonny42357OP•

I've never seen it. Aside from her, is the show good?

1
P_Molinae•

it's pretty good, can get a little depressing to binge watch though lol

1
anonny42357OP•

I usually game while binging (way easier to repress feelings and evade dealing with my problem if I DOUBLE DISTRACT, lol, so if stuff is sad or depressing, I just focus more on my game than the TV

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1
All_bound_up•

Where is there a Gilmore Girls reboot?! Why didn’t anyone tell me?
To your point: when watching that show I would get stressed out when it was an Emily scene. Her not so subtle passive aggressive comments used to make me angry. Angry while watching GG. And the fact that Sookie had bandaids all over her fingers when she cooked. Gross.
One good Emily scene: when she told off Huntsburger’s mom when she didn’t RSVP to the USO fundraiser that Rory put together after the father said Rory’s not good enough for Logan.
Oh well, Rory and Jessie were better.

1
time_shamxn•

Gilmore Girls is great if you enjoy watching a grandmother and her daughter get mad at each other for the same thing: each woman has her reaction to the other being themself, then holds her own reaction against the other woman. (How dare you be consistently yourself. How dare you make me react.)

Make no mistake, Emily is absolutely manipulative and awful. But it is oddly nice to see a character like this, who doesn’t change, who isn’t fully redeemable. She can’t help but be exactly who she is.

I recently watched the series for the first time and found it equally horrific and heartwarming for the same reason. It’s watching a family willingly choose to continue it’s dysfunctional patterns because they decide to love each other in spite of it. It’s also watching a family enable each other. It’s inspiring to see things improve from a generational perspective. And by the end I was happy for Emily. But it was validating to see that while Emily changed her context and found new ways of feeling okay about herself without forcing others to help her feel okay about herself…she remained herself. My nmom is just like this. She really does want to love me unconditionally. She’s just not capable of it. And like Lorelei, I’ve chosen to continue extending opportunities for her to practice the kind of love that I want to receive. But my nmom just can’t do it. No matter how hard she and I work at our relationship, I will always be disappointed in her, and she will always not understand why I don’t like her, and we will always be some level of hurt.

0
AbeLincoln30•

"Every interaction with Emily is textbook narcissism, but it's just brushed off as LOLZ, THAT'S MOM, she's like so terrible."

The thing is this is actually pretty realistic... Nmoms keep on being Nmoms as other people minimize it and normalize it or don't even realize it is going on.

People like us in this sub, who call it out because we can't stand it, are in the minority... most people are enablers or indifferent or clueless

0