a strand of love swirls around my soul
bouncing around my chest with haste
like a helium balloon in a tornado
until the clouds separate
and open up my grounded presence
to your otherworldly flame
Posted Nov 4, 2022, 5:41 PM UTC
I love the imagery here, such an impacting yet delicate, beautiful piece.
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The imagery here is awesome and your use of descriptive language is playful! The line "helium balloon in a tornado" works really well as an almost climax before the denouement of the following line. I do wonder if "grounded presence" is a bit too direct in comparison to the whimsy of the beginning of the piece. That could very well be purposeful, but the jolt of the shift somewhat took me out of the movement - the momentum slowed too quickly.
But, amazing and very relatable to the feeling of a new relationship/honeymoon period.
I think thats really good advice. I built the poem around the helium balloon in a tornado line which I think is the unique and fun part of the piece. Going forward I’ll probably try to rebuild the closing lines around the whimsy of that line.