Source
r/OCPoetry•
wandering-spirits

pieces of you

Poem

i dream of you sometimes.
did you know that?
of course you don't.
in the cold, dark misty nights i dream of you.
on the unbearably hot summer nights, i dream of you.
as the rain is crashing outside, gently still i dream of you.
i dream of your hands, the hook of your nose, the curve of your smile, and the lines beneath your eyes.
i dream of how i felt when i saw you,
how light and pure it all was.
but i can't remember your face anymore;
only your hands
only your nose
only your smile and only your eyes.
little pieces of what you once were live inside my mind, and im struggling.
struggling to piece it all together.
i miss you,
i miss you,
i miss you,
and my love perseveres in this suffering.

-Loranthus.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/yktnfs/november/iv2feoq?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3 https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ym7baj/the_lie_detector/iv2hljq?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3

Posted Nov 4, 2022, 8:00 PM UTC · edited

75
LibertyPaige•

I really like this. It pulled me in to my own memories of a love once. And I get it, just like that, pieces. Sweet and sad. I appreciate the desperate tone in your words also. Nicely done.

3
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1
Poetic_Words•

How does this not have more activity? This is beautiful.

I connect with this piece very well, unfortunately. But you've done a wonderful job at telling us a story, one piece at a time... there are definitely a few word editing choices I would personally make to maybe enhance the flow a bit, but you have already done a very great job at that. Keep it up!

1
Honeskill•

I really like this. I like it both as a literal and figurative interpretation. Literal, because memory can be weird in what pieces it holds onto. Figurative, because it’s often only moments that are remembered, especially as time passes. I think the weather changes in the beginning fit the mood, and the repetition of “i miss you” at the end really hammers the emotion home. The only critique I have is that I suspect the formatting is slightly off from what you wanted, but that may be Reddit’s fault.

1
smokingreggiebush•

I can’t remember your face anymore… little pieces of what you once were live inside my mind

What I love about this final stretch here, is the line “pieces of what you once were” it shows the confrontation/tension within yourself of being in love yet also being in that process of letting go but not really wanting to yet.

The only real criticism I have (I loved this poem), is that instead of having the 3 “I miss you’s” before the final line, I think it would be better to cut them out and put a single “I miss you” as the final line of the poem. The emotions would hit just a bit harder that way

1