Money on the Mind
Money, money, money, that's what everybody's talking 'bout
People shedding tears, all these fears, people missing out
Strangers spreading lies, on the rise, robbing from the blind
Taken all the honey, hard earned money, just to free the mind
Children getting older, growing colder, just to earn a dime
Wanting to survive, all these lives, working nine to fives
Watching all these lies, feelings high, looking for the knives
Money talks
Taking over, hoping for that four leaf clover
Ticking clocks, lose control
Where's the body, where's the soul?
Because money, money, money, is the honey people talk about.
Posted Nov 6, 2022, 6:23 PM UTC · edited
88
First stanza, very enjoyable. Jam-packed with rhymes and a clear idea: money as a negative or problematic subject.
I feel like the second stanza could really build on this idea, talk about people wasting money gambling (hinted at with the four leaf clover), buying things that don't give very much joy, look pretty but are hollow, or are typically bad investments (like cars, or crypto).
It was a little jarring that the second stanza lacks the same heavy rhyme scheme as the first after the second line. I personally wasn't a fan of how the poem concludes with the last sentence using the money/honey internal rhyme. I think perhaps if you are looking to go in the direction of Stanza A - pure rhymes, Stanza B - fewer rhymes then the last sentence needs to be without an internal rhyme to give a sense of poetic entropy, like "Because money, money, money is all the people think about".
In summary, I really think there is something here based on the first stanza. I hope the above is not too critical, I think this poem could be outstanding once tinkered with a little bit.
Thank you for the input, it’s my first poem that I’ve ever written. It’s for class but I had a lot of fun writing it.
It’s funny because that’s how the poem originally ended but then I decided to make the changes to try and fit the flow a little better.
I’ll take your words into consideration if I ever decide to write my poems for fun on the side. Thank you again
Oh wow - if that's your first ever poem then I would really encourage you to write more. Poetry is a great subject (in my biased opinion) and there's loads of great writing out there for you to discover and enjoy, not to mention inspire your own work should you choose to write more. Wishing you all the best.